The past two weeks I’ve been focussing on getting healthy so I have more energy. This came out of getting fed up of of feeling “meh” far too often. The depression has retreated for now but I’m still feeling a bit flat. I thought a fortnight of doing all the right stuff would have me dancing on the rooftops. It hasn’t. Though I have lost 4lb along the way. However that wasn’t meant to be my motivation, just a happy side effect. I’ve realised it’s time to just take stock of everything.

My sister did point out that a hell of a lot has happened in the past twelve months and perhaps my brain and body is just trying to catch up. It all started just over a year ago with being bullied at work. I’ve been bullied and suffered depression before, but it was only when I finally fell apart and I opened up about it that I realised how bad it had become. I didn’t say anything sooner because I was paranoid that I had made it all up. My sister who had seen me go through being bullied as a child and teenager, and suffering depression from my teen years onward, said that she had never seen me totally lose all confidence in every part of my life like I did with the bullying and depression this time round.

I don’t think the bullying caused the depression. I think that had been bubbling under the surface for the best part of a year. It was thing that shoved me off the edge. Although the person who bullied me moved to a different job, I couldn’t face trying to rebuild my reputation in a team where almost everyone was new in the past six months (that was how the bullying was so effective, my network had moved on). Even without all this I had been planning to leave the following summer as I knew it wasn’t the career for me.

The bullying had been going on for two or three months by the time everything came crashing down. Within five or six weeks I had handed in my notice and left. Applied for and got a new job. Moved out of my house in London. And I was off to New York for a holiday that had been planned for eighteen months. During this time I also had to deal with the guilt of how I’d upturned others lives in the process. My housemate, best mate, Suzi, had to move in between doing exams at a stressed point in her life. She also had to live with a depressed Helen. I was affecting my family and needing more support than ever. The overriding feeling was that I wanted to disappear for a couple of months, sort everything out on my own and then turn up and say look everyone it’s fine. I just didn’t want to affect anyone else.

But before I left London I went on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. Although I had two months between my old job and new, there wasn’t much time “off”. The first fortnight was manic, leaving parties, moving, going to New York. Once I got back I needed to find somewhere to live in the North East and the Christmas took over. Before I new it I was starting my new life. I knew I didn’t have time to fall apart so I needed the medication to keep me on track.

However one side effect is weight gain. By the time it got to Christmas I’d put on a stone and a half. A few months later I discovered the average weight gain on Citalopram is two to three stone, which made me feel great for all of a few hours. But I have just felt wretched most of the time. As I’d been moving towards depression the weight had crept on (comfort eating is the bain of my life) and over the previous 12 months had probably gained a stone. But to put on another stone and a half in the space of a month or so was hideous. When you’re starting a new job in a new place you want to feel fabulous. I just felt fat. I wanted to have some big neon sign saying “I know I look like a heffa, but I’m on medication, I’m not just a big fatty who can’t be bothered”.

I started my new job. And eventually started counselling too. I’ve found it so hard to make friends. I have met lots of lovely people, and the situation is improving now, but despite outward confidence and my apparent ease with socialising, inside I feel very socially awkward. There are times when I just prefer to be by myself, as being with people, whether old friends or new, is just hard work. So that’s been a huge barrier at times and made me feel very lonely. I’ve never felt homesick in my life, but the way I miss my best friends at times is probably similar to that.

And then I came off anti-depressants, which was just the most awful month. My moods swung from high to low. My sleep was all over the place. Everything felt out of sync and my head didn’t know what was going on. At this point I’d known the only close friend I’d made in Durham about a month and he got the full whack of my uncontrollable emotions. But my attitude was ‘at least now I’m going to lose all this medication weight’. Wrong.

Eventually the emotions and moods settled down. I became more confident that the depression had lifted and made some breakthroughs at counselling. I’ve also been through a whole bit of relationship stuff (which isn’t just mine to discuss hence the brevity). I finished counselling about three weeks ago and then I thought I’d do this whole holiday thing. Positive thinking, positive actions. The power of positive thought, et al.

But writing all of this makes me see that perhaps I do need to give myself a break. I’m haven’t written this for sympathy, many people go through and survive situations that are much worse.Ultimately the changes I’ve made in my life as a result of everything will be for the better in the long term.

I just want to be able to accept how I’m feeling and keep doing the good stuff I’m doing. I’m just tired of things being difficult. I’m tired of being a difficult person and I just want to get on with being happy and enjoying life. But for now I need to learn to be kind to myself and love myself again. Because after all of this I need some TLC.

I just about survived my leaving parties, though my liver is thanking me for minimal alcohol drinking ever since. The hangovers weren’t pretty, but they were worth it. It was so lovely that people made the effort, and so I better make the effort to keep in touch with them now I’ve gone!

Then it was ‘The Move: Part One’ from London to Southport. Packing my stuff up took so much longer than expected and packing the van was an experience in itself, we packed every last inch of space and used every last minute of the rental!!!

Less than 24 hours later I was off to NYC and surprised myself by being able to keep my eyes open until 10pm on the first day (3am GMT) despite being up at 5.30am – over 21 hours!!!

Friday Liz and I shopped until we dropped, literally. After 10 hours and more dollars than I care to add up, we sat down in the nearest restaurant we could find. We weren’t just there to shop (though you might find that hard to believe!) we also did some sightseeing, and found sometime to catch up with the gorgeous and wonderful Hannah! By far the most giddy moment of the week was when I sat there as The Little Mermaid musical started!

Since I returned to the UK on Friday I have been recovering by sleeping lots. I’ve also started to put together a to-do list. I’m sure that time will fly by, and before I know it I will be in Durham to start my new job! I’m off to the North East next week to house hunt – wish me luck!!!

It’s non-stop at the moment, and I’m far too excitable.

Things are going well with the job hunt (don’t want to say anymore and jinx it, I will inform you all in due course!)

I used strengthsfinder 2.0 this week, quite helpful in the job search. Knowing my strengths helps in narrowing down what I might actually enjoy doing, so I can find a career I am really passionate about! Apparently my top 5 are: Strategic, Positivity, Woo, Activator & Communication. Sounds about right to me!!!

I’m gradually packing things up at work and home, which is a bit of a marathon effort, but I will get there in the end. Today’s effort was emptying out the shed.

Whilst doing this I had to sort out Christmas decorations. I suddenly got very excited that Christmas is only a couple of months away and then made Suzi endure a story about how I used to decorate my room as a teenager (It became “Santa’s Helen’s Grotto” complete with sign on my door!)

This excitement was just after I had been on the phone to Lady B talking about New York, which is only 17 days away… and hugely exciting too! It’s just over four years since I was there last and I can’t wait to go back!

So I am just a little bit hyped up at the moment. I think I need to take a couple of deep breaths, focus and calm down, if only for the sanity of those around me.

Anyway I better get back to job-hunting related activities… as well as eBay selling. I am not a big fan of the part where you actually have to pack things up and send them in the post, far too much effort!

Until the next time!!!

1. This week I handed my notice in at work. No I don’t have a fabulous new job. Yet. As of the 7th November I will be unemployed. A decision I have thought about long and hard. I have decided that I want to do something I feel passionate about. Something that will make me want to leap out of bed every morning (apart from Mondays – I’m not looking for the impossible!) I admit my timing could have been better. The looming global recession would put most off leaving a well-paid job with good benefits. But my intuition is telling me to take a leap into the unknown. I would like a record of this leap and all the excitement, just incase I need to keep reminding myself why I did it in the first place. Especially when I find all I have left in my purse is a £10 bet with Suzi that my first-born will be female (it may be the only way to make money by then!)

2. Not only am I leaving my job, I am also leaving London. I have chosen to become unemployed AND homeless. You may be justified in questioning my sanity right now, but lets face it over the next few months there will quite possibly be many more people in my position. At least I will be able to say it was my choice (followed shortly by an eruption of laughter from those listening). Anyway back to the point of number ‘2’. I will be leaving London to temporarily go and live back with my parents. I have a lot of friends down here and I will miss them dearly. This is a way of keeping in touch with everyone in between the emails, calls and visits.

3. By encouraging the people I have left behind in London to read this regularly it will spur me on to try and carve out a fulfilling career fairly quickly, so that I do not appear to have failed in my mission to improve my general levels of happiness. On the other hand if the successful career path fails, this blog will give me the opportunity to work on some fiction!

4. I also have friends in various continents. I am hopeless at keeping in touch, even though I miss them lots. In the moments between their many adventures they can read my blog. Comparing and contrasting their exciting lives with one of unemployment, northern weather and living with the folks, will make them smile. I love making other people happy.

5. Five is my lucky number (not that I have any specifically lucky experiences with it, I just like it). The fifth reason is that I would one day quite like it (read: over the moon and jumping up and down like a loony) if someone paid me some money for some writing I have done or could do in the future. In order to get someone to pay me to write, I have to prove that I can write. Practice makes perfect. So this blog is just that. Practice… not perfect!

Please feel free to discuss, critique and comment on anything I write. If you find yourself compelled to read regularly, thank you. And if you are a close friend who cares about my potential writing career, nagging is good if I appear to have stopped blogging!!!