The weekend has reinforced my thoughts about considering moving back to London eventually. Seeing so many friends has made me realise just how much I miss them. I also survived a weekend of more socialising than I’ve done in a long time without feeling shattered this morning. Though a weekend away from the gym has left me craving exercise and I’m going to enjoy Zumba tonight. 

I’m still not ready to pack my bags immediately. It has been fantastic though to see that some of my friends miss me as much as I miss them. Speaking to them they’d be glad to see me back next week! However there are still things I want to achieve in my current job and for once I don’t want to rush the job hunt. I’ve never had the luxury of time to find a job before. There’s always been time and money pressures to find a job as quickly as possible. Considering that I’ve not done too badly, even with the ups and downs. But this time I can browse. I can really explore the options and use what I’ve learned in previous jobs to try and find something even better. 

Though it may frustrate people, I’m proud of my ability to adapt to the changes in my life. Moving to Durham was absolutely the best thing at the time, but a lot has changed in the past year and my initial feeling that it was somewhere I wanted to settle have changed too. I don’t have to pretend that I’m still as happy as I was initially, I can admit that things have changed. A lot might change in the next year too. Though London is definitely an option now, it’s not a certainty.

For now though I have things I want to achieve where I am. Personally and professionally. Things have been going well for the past few weeks and I’m looking forward to building on what has happened so far.

But back to the nice stuff. I’ve had such a fantastic time with some of my best friends (though missing El who’s out in Australia, but before we know it she’ll be back!) In previous years I’ve always organised big nights out, an unofficial annual school reunion of sorts. Inviting everyone I still had email addresses and mobile numbers for, the past couple of years it’s been a Facebook event too. But I think it finally lost it’s appeal last year. Spending more quality time with my favourite girlies was so much more fun that trying to make conversation with people I don’t really know any more. And it was quality time with lots of chatting, silliness and even some dancing (even with the worst DJ in the world playing the music!)

Liz and I braved the sales in Liverpool, getting there early and then heading home just after lunchtime when the full on madness and crowds descended. I actually managed to make sensible purchases, although the sparkly purple & lime flats could be seen as a frivolous purchase!

As we all head off to our various corners of the country, more than ever I’m going to be sad to not see all my lovely friends for a while.

Family has been lovely too! It’s great having everyone together and this year we’ve avoided big arguments (*touch wood* there’s still a few hours to go!!!) We’ve had some fantastic food courtesy of the parents and many many giggles. After umm-ing & ahh-ing I finally bought Trivial Pursuit on Christmas Eve and it has been worth every penny. The only problem is that my brother-in-law seems to know EVERYTHING, so it isn’t much fun asking him questions!

I do love Christmas. There’s something so magical about this time of year and I’m a bit sucker for all of it. New Year on the other hand I’m not so sure about… but that can be my next blog!

On the 1st October it will be a year since I decided to quit my job in London. One of the goals I set myself was to use more of my time to regularly write. Another thing I am proud to have achieved. My persistence in blogging has stopped me from being scared of putting words on a page, I’ll now happily write something I know is rubbish and come back and redraft it later. The difficulty used to be getting the thoughts from my head onto paper. Now the longest part of the task is usually uploading pictures, adding links and the final proofread.

I am also grateful for the existence of Twitter. Without that I’d still be writing to an audience of my closest friends and family. Twitter has allowed me to share my blog with so many, and I am so pleased that people enjoy reading it. And now it seems that people are starting to find my blog via other routes. A couple of weeks ago someone followed me on Twitter because they’d read my blog first!

It’s taken me over two and a half years to reach blog number 100. During that time my life has changed in many ways. Where will I be by blog 200? At the pace I’m writing now it’s likely to be in less than six months. The next few months will be lots of fun though. From October I’ll be a tutee for a few of the students at Trevelyan College. Once I get them settled in I’ll be challenging myself to write 50,000 words in a month thanks to NaNoWriMo. By December I’ll be ready to relax for Christmas and enjoy some time with friends and family. Before I know it, January will be here and I’ll be celebrating one year since my move to Durham. And I’d like to think that by the time I reach blog 200 I’ll have had something published somewhere other than here.

But I’m not wishing my time away. The past year has flown by and I want to enjoy as much of the here and now as possible. And share it with you.

The thing that needs to be said in my 100th blog is THANK YOU! Thanks to all of you who read my blog. If I hadn’t got Google Analytics letting me know that you are all out there I might have given up before now. The more you visited my website, the more I have written. You’ve stuck with me and been the life that my blog needed to survive and grow!

Anyway enough of the soppiness… time to write Blog 101!

I’ve also learned how to pick myself up and get on with things. I know which of my friends are there for me when the going gets tough and who I can call at 3am if I ever needed. If there’s something I want to do, or a film I want to see, I can happily go off by myself and do it. I have learned how to do everything needed to live by myself, even gardening!

But there are times when I wish I could stop kissing the wrong boys and find the right one. Or rather a “right one”. I’m not a believer that there is just one person out there. I definitely think there are a few people in the world who have the right combination of personality and chemistry for love, friendship and everything else.

I can do most things by myself, and enjoy them too. But there is something about having another human being to share things and build memories with that I miss. It would be nice to enjoy those private and silly moments with someone that I don’t necessarily want the rest of the world to know about.

Sometimes when life goes a bit wrong, it would be nice to have someone else to rely on for a change. Having someone who’s close enough to spot when I’m having a rough day or two and turn up with a smile on their face and a hug without me needing to ask (if they can make a good cup of tea even better!)

Apart from the odd bad day I am somewhat of an optimist and so I will continue believing that amongst the frogs one day one of those princes will show up. Until then I’ll keep enjoying life and be thankful for the amazing family and friends I already have.

I would also like to thank my wonderful friends Liz (@LadyBowers) and Catherine for exploring the city with me on my trips. Also Hannah for being a complete star and showing us the hidden gems of her city.

New York

Welcome to my whistle stop tour of New York. Before we start I will warn you that a week away in New York will leave your feet aching from walking, and your face aching from smiling so much!

Getting around…

It’s worth investing in a 7-Day Unlimited Ride Metro Card for $27. Bear in mind that the subway isn’t like the tube and so if you need to change lines you may find yourself going back on yourself to be able to change. It’s worth doing a bit of extra walking and seeing the city too. As the week goes on you’ll hopefully find your bearings, walk more and use the subway less.

Sightseeing…

Ellis Island and Statue of Liberty (Battery Park): Ellis Island museum is great. I’ve never got off on Liberty Island because the views are spectacular from the ferry. Now that the statue has reopened the climb to the crown if you can get tickets it might be worth it.

Broadway Show (TKTs Times Square): It wouldn’t be a trip to New York without taking in a show. Get reduced tickets from the TKTs booth in Times Square, if there’s a show you want to see it’s worth the wait.

Top of the Rock (Rockefeller Centre): In my opinion, having done both, Top of the Rock is better than the Empire State Building. The view over Central Park is fantastic. And midweek mornings are virtually queue free.

MoMA (11 W 53 St): A chance to see some of the great works of modern art in real life. Definitely a good choice for a rainy day.

Guggenheim (5^th at 89^th St): For art I prefer the MoMA, but it is worth having a wander past, and even sticking your head inside to take in the impressive architecture. Don’t forget it’s closed on a Thursday (a fact I remember thanks to Sex and the City, Carrie and co do have their uses!)

Central Park: I fell in love with New York the day I first visited Central Park. Hire bikes if you want to see as much of the park as you can, an hour will get you round the south of the park, but you’ll need a couple of hours or more to see the north of it too. Alternatively it’s just as nice having an afternoon wander around the various sights.

Grand Central Station (87 E 42nd St): The first time I walked in it took my breath away. The second time it did it again. This is a truly magnificent building so don’t miss it.

New York Public Library (5^th Ave at 42nd St): For those of you who are librarians, this is an amazing library. For those of you who are SATC fans, this is where Carrie nearly married Big. For those of you who are neither, it is another stunning building in the city.

LOVE sculpture (6th Ave): At W 55 St. 6th Avenue you’ll find the LOVE sculpture by Robert Indiana, which is a photo taking moment. (I’ve included the address as some of us spent a week hunting for the damn thing!)

Sex and the City Tour: For the fans of the show this is an absolute must. You see a lot of the city whilst enjoying SATC trivia and get a free Magnolia Bakery Cupcake too!!!

Shopping…

Times Square: My favourites are Toys R Us (I still haven’t been on the ferris wheel though!), M&Ms World (because there is something fab about M&Ms in more colours than you can imagine), Hershey’s (the outside of it is fantastic). I also loved the HUGE Virgin Megastore, but sadly it shut earlier this year. I have fond memories of being asked out for coffee by a cute guy whilst browsing CDs… only in New York!

Department Stores: Top end you have Saks and Bloomingdales. Macy’s is great once you get your bearings, but it takes time. Century 21 is fantastic if you have a clue what you are looking for, but it can be completely chaotic and overwhelming.

Apple: There are Apple stores across Manhattan which are great for checking email and using the internet (but remember to log out of Facebook!). However if you only visit one make it the flagship store on Fifth Avenue. It is a sight to behold.

For the Girls: Tiffany & Co. is a must. Meander round the floors, drooling at the gorgeous jewelry. Whether you like classic and simple, or more diamonds than you can imagine, there will be something to make your jaw drop. Victoria Secret is the other stop. Though I enjoy perusing the lingerie my favourite things are the PINK sweat bottoms, I live in mine when I’m at home, they are so comfy!

For the Labels: Head over to Greenwich Village for the various designer stores (there is also 5^th Ave, but I prefer this end of town). Here I find my favourites of Mulberry, DVF and Louboutin. I also discovered Fresh, and the best lipbalm I have ever owned.

Afternoon Tea…

Magnolia Bakery: These are the best cupcakes in the world. The original shop is in Greenwich Village, but there a couple more now including on in the Empire State Building.

Alice’s Tea Cup: Missing a good old cup of English Tea? Well this is the place to come. There is a bigger selection of tea than you could imagine, as well as the most amazing scones. They do other wonderful food too. You may have to wait an hour or so for a table, but it is worth it. Trust me.

Max Brenner: Apparently this place does more than just chocolate, but it does chocolate best. Again you may have to wait for a table, but the trip to chocolate heaven is more than compensation for the queuing.

Saks Cafe SFA (8th Floor): Get a table next to the window in their café and overlook the roof stunning gardens of the Rockefeller Plaza buildings whilst enjoying traditional afternoon tea.

Food & Drink…

Any Diner: Another New York tradition that can’t be missed. At least one breakfast trip for pancakes, and dinner visit for burgers and a shake. There are a fair few to pick from, so no excuses for missing out.

American Favourites: Dunkin’ Donuts, Tasty D-Lite etc these are the places you’ll immediately recognise but haven’t made it over the pond

Starbucks: Because mid-afternoon you will need a sit down, drink and a toilet break (not necessarily in that order) and they are perfect for all three. The only time you won’t be able to find one is when you are absolutely desperate!!!

Europa Café: You’ll find these dotted around the city and they are great for a reasonably priced delicious lunch. The sandwiches are lovely, and fresh salad is made whilst you wait.

The past two weeks I’ve been focussing on getting healthy so I have more energy. This came out of getting fed up of of feeling “meh” far too often. The depression has retreated for now but I’m still feeling a bit flat. I thought a fortnight of doing all the right stuff would have me dancing on the rooftops. It hasn’t. Though I have lost 4lb along the way. However that wasn’t meant to be my motivation, just a happy side effect. I’ve realised it’s time to just take stock of everything.

My sister did point out that a hell of a lot has happened in the past twelve months and perhaps my brain and body is just trying to catch up. It all started just over a year ago with being bullied at work. I’ve been bullied and suffered depression before, but it was only when I finally fell apart and I opened up about it that I realised how bad it had become. I didn’t say anything sooner because I was paranoid that I had made it all up. My sister who had seen me go through being bullied as a child and teenager, and suffering depression from my teen years onward, said that she had never seen me totally lose all confidence in every part of my life like I did with the bullying and depression this time round.

I don’t think the bullying caused the depression. I think that had been bubbling under the surface for the best part of a year. It was thing that shoved me off the edge. Although the person who bullied me moved to a different job, I couldn’t face trying to rebuild my reputation in a team where almost everyone was new in the past six months (that was how the bullying was so effective, my network had moved on). Even without all this I had been planning to leave the following summer as I knew it wasn’t the career for me.

The bullying had been going on for two or three months by the time everything came crashing down. Within five or six weeks I had handed in my notice and left. Applied for and got a new job. Moved out of my house in London. And I was off to New York for a holiday that had been planned for eighteen months. During this time I also had to deal with the guilt of how I’d upturned others lives in the process. My housemate, best mate, Suzi, had to move in between doing exams at a stressed point in her life. She also had to live with a depressed Helen. I was affecting my family and needing more support than ever. The overriding feeling was that I wanted to disappear for a couple of months, sort everything out on my own and then turn up and say look everyone it’s fine. I just didn’t want to affect anyone else.

But before I left London I went on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. Although I had two months between my old job and new, there wasn’t much time “off”. The first fortnight was manic, leaving parties, moving, going to New York. Once I got back I needed to find somewhere to live in the North East and the Christmas took over. Before I new it I was starting my new life. I knew I didn’t have time to fall apart so I needed the medication to keep me on track.

However one side effect is weight gain. By the time it got to Christmas I’d put on a stone and a half. A few months later I discovered the average weight gain on Citalopram is two to three stone, which made me feel great for all of a few hours. But I have just felt wretched most of the time. As I’d been moving towards depression the weight had crept on (comfort eating is the bain of my life) and over the previous 12 months had probably gained a stone. But to put on another stone and a half in the space of a month or so was hideous. When you’re starting a new job in a new place you want to feel fabulous. I just felt fat. I wanted to have some big neon sign saying “I know I look like a heffa, but I’m on medication, I’m not just a big fatty who can’t be bothered”.

I started my new job. And eventually started counselling too. I’ve found it so hard to make friends. I have met lots of lovely people, and the situation is improving now, but despite outward confidence and my apparent ease with socialising, inside I feel very socially awkward. There are times when I just prefer to be by myself, as being with people, whether old friends or new, is just hard work. So that’s been a huge barrier at times and made me feel very lonely. I’ve never felt homesick in my life, but the way I miss my best friends at times is probably similar to that.

And then I came off anti-depressants, which was just the most awful month. My moods swung from high to low. My sleep was all over the place. Everything felt out of sync and my head didn’t know what was going on. At this point I’d known the only close friend I’d made in Durham about a month and he got the full whack of my uncontrollable emotions. But my attitude was ‘at least now I’m going to lose all this medication weight’. Wrong.

Eventually the emotions and moods settled down. I became more confident that the depression had lifted and made some breakthroughs at counselling. I’ve also been through a whole bit of relationship stuff (which isn’t just mine to discuss hence the brevity). I finished counselling about three weeks ago and then I thought I’d do this whole holiday thing. Positive thinking, positive actions. The power of positive thought, et al.

But writing all of this makes me see that perhaps I do need to give myself a break. I’m haven’t written this for sympathy, many people go through and survive situations that are much worse.Ultimately the changes I’ve made in my life as a result of everything will be for the better in the long term.

I just want to be able to accept how I’m feeling and keep doing the good stuff I’m doing. I’m just tired of things being difficult. I’m tired of being a difficult person and I just want to get on with being happy and enjoying life. But for now I need to learn to be kind to myself and love myself again. Because after all of this I need some TLC.

But nowadays my viewing is much more limited. My guilty pleasures are Neighbours and Home & Away. They were the first soaps I ever watched, when Kylie was a mechanic and Sally was a little girl. In my opinion they are still slightly less scandalous and depressing that our British soaps.

They both get recorded on my PVR (that’s a digital TV tuner with a hard drive to save stuff on) alongside my seasonal favourites of Doctor Who, Strictly Come Dancing, The Apprentice and Have I Got News for You. But these days that’s about it.

I always imagined that being able to watch and record whatever TV I wanted would mean I would end up with hours of television to get through. But it’s quite the opposite. More often than not I reach for a DVD when I fancy some visual stimulation. Though the idea of TV on demand is a nice one in theory, in practice it ends up being another thing that I feel I have to do. If there is hours of TV waiting to be watched then it becomes a chore to watch it. I find Friday Night with Jonathan Ross far more enjoyable if I happen to catch it when it’s being broadcast, than if I have to catch up afterwards. I don’t find this world of on demand entertainment convenient, I find it exhausting.

Growing up in the days of the VCR you were able to record things, but if you went away for two weeks you could only manage a maximum of four hours (oh the joys of getting a few 240 minute videos for Christmas!) though I can’t actually remember leaving anything to record when we went away. I mainly used my videos to record movies, which is something I also tend to use my PVR for these days. Most of the time I just watched what was on TV when it was on, though in my later years I recorded Buffy (which coincided with dinner time) and watched it as soon as the episode had finished recording!

My younger self who was desperate to get Sky would be appalled at what I am about to say.

Maybe I’m getting old, but I find myself agreeing with people that compare a majority of our programming to junk food. It isn’t healthy or nutritional for our brains. For me having more channels and more choice means that I miss out on the really good stuff. Whenever I look through the TV guide I can’t find one thing I want to watch on all the channels that I have. I no longer watch adverts so I don’t see what’s coming up that might actually interest me. I’m sure that I’ve let quite a few fascinating documentaries pass me by because I just can’t be bothered to search for them amongst the repeats and complete rubbish on offer. When there were four channels (it took me a long time to accept Five as a legitimate channel) I’m sure there was much more quality. Maybe it’s just rose tinted glasses?

So if anyone has any ideas how I can avoid the chaff, and locate the wheat, that would be great. I don’t want to hate television. I think it is a fantastic invention to learn from and to unwind to, but I’ve lost the excitement about watching stuff on the box and I’d like to get it back!

The first is sunshine. Every year without fail it has been sunny for whatever birthday celebration or event is planned. When I was little it stayed dry for obsticle courses and treasure hunts. On my 16th I sat in the backgarden revising for a GCSEs. On my 18th we took a break from revision to have a BBQ. The day of my 21st I spent on Bournemouth beach. Not once in the past 26 years has it rained. And this year was no exception.

Secondly you can always guarentee that everyone will know it’s my birthday. Some people hate birthdays and hate the attention they bring. I don’t. I enjoy it. I like getting cards, presents and cake. This year I even requested that my family sing “Cumpleaños Feliz” (Happy Birthday in Spanish) as my niece and I are now learning it together every Thursday. My dad’s response was “Get lost!” but even he surrendered and joined in!

The third thing you can guarantee on and around my birthday is an abundance of parties and celebrations. I like to celebrate with my family, my close friends, my wider group of friends and if none of these events fall on my actual birthday a pint in the pub with friends is likely to feature too. For example last year I managed a party with my friends in London, a night out with my friends in Southport and a chinese meal with my family.

The party with friends has often been a joint party with others who have the good luck to have been born in May, but this year we decided to give it a miss. In fact I also gave the celebration with close friends, and the pub a miss too. In the grand scheme of things this year has been my quietest ever (I must have had two celebrations on my 1st birthday!) I ditched the big night out and the copious drinking for a lovely day with my family and one of my best friends. We ate a lovely Sunday roast prepared by my sister and then made the most of the sunshine by going for a wander in the woods. I would say it was civilised but we are talking about Thornber’s and their descendants so there was still a fair amount of noise and chaos!

Next year I might consider returning to the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle of previous birthdays – on the other hand I am very tempted to spend the weekend at the Hay-on-Wye book fair… I’ll save the partying for when I turn 30!!!

1. This week I handed my notice in at work. No I don’t have a fabulous new job. Yet. As of the 7th November I will be unemployed. A decision I have thought about long and hard. I have decided that I want to do something I feel passionate about. Something that will make me want to leap out of bed every morning (apart from Mondays – I’m not looking for the impossible!) I admit my timing could have been better. The looming global recession would put most off leaving a well-paid job with good benefits. But my intuition is telling me to take a leap into the unknown. I would like a record of this leap and all the excitement, just incase I need to keep reminding myself why I did it in the first place. Especially when I find all I have left in my purse is a £10 bet with Suzi that my first-born will be female (it may be the only way to make money by then!)

2. Not only am I leaving my job, I am also leaving London. I have chosen to become unemployed AND homeless. You may be justified in questioning my sanity right now, but lets face it over the next few months there will quite possibly be many more people in my position. At least I will be able to say it was my choice (followed shortly by an eruption of laughter from those listening). Anyway back to the point of number ‘2’. I will be leaving London to temporarily go and live back with my parents. I have a lot of friends down here and I will miss them dearly. This is a way of keeping in touch with everyone in between the emails, calls and visits.

3. By encouraging the people I have left behind in London to read this regularly it will spur me on to try and carve out a fulfilling career fairly quickly, so that I do not appear to have failed in my mission to improve my general levels of happiness. On the other hand if the successful career path fails, this blog will give me the opportunity to work on some fiction!

4. I also have friends in various continents. I am hopeless at keeping in touch, even though I miss them lots. In the moments between their many adventures they can read my blog. Comparing and contrasting their exciting lives with one of unemployment, northern weather and living with the folks, will make them smile. I love making other people happy.

5. Five is my lucky number (not that I have any specifically lucky experiences with it, I just like it). The fifth reason is that I would one day quite like it (read: over the moon and jumping up and down like a loony) if someone paid me some money for some writing I have done or could do in the future. In order to get someone to pay me to write, I have to prove that I can write. Practice makes perfect. So this blog is just that. Practice… not perfect!

Please feel free to discuss, critique and comment on anything I write. If you find yourself compelled to read regularly, thank you. And if you are a close friend who cares about my potential writing career, nagging is good if I appear to have stopped blogging!!!