The first I’ll start with is, as promised, to explain my Facebook status earlier this week. For those of you who missed it, I posted:

Describe me positively in three words (it’s for a very good cause I promise… If I get at least 20 responses I’ll tell all on my blog!!!)

In total, between comments and texts I got 23 responses that ended up looking something like this…

I wasn’t just fishing for compliments (honestly!), there was actually a real reason for it. Tuesday was my final Cognitive Behavioural Therapy session. This exercise helped me see that perhaps my self-perception isn’t quite spot on. I spend a bit too much time and energy beating myself up about not being what I expect. I anticipated the words such as positive, bubbly, optimistic, creative, but some of the others surprised me. Some people responded with words that describe how I’d like to come across, attributes I constantly worry gets hidden below the more fluffy qualities. Determined, thoughtful, dedicated, organised, supportive, focused, reliable, intelligent – all words that reflect that although I like to have fun my friends see that I can be serious and I have substance. This activity was a springboard from looking at depression to generally improving my self-esteem, something I will continue to work on now my CBT has finished.

CBT might not work for everyone, but for me it has been life changing. I’m a great believe you get as much out as you put in. I started of skeptical and unsure if it was right for me, but despite that I made an effort to engage. In the early weeks I felt like I was wasting valuable NHS time and resources, but I’m so glad I stuck it out. I understand my depression more than ever before and, as long as I don’t get complacent, I’m fairly confident I can avoid a future major bout of depression. Of course I can’t know for certain, things come out of the blue and there are so many things that could trigger an episode, but I will make sure I have my strategies for coping at hand.

It’s also had a rather marvellous side effect that should explain the mystery of my other behaviour. Going through the process has given me the confidence and self-belief to take the plunge and start to set up my own business. It’s very very early days, but the idea is something that seems to have evolved and been influenced by so much that’s happened in the few years since I’ve graduated. I’m very excited and have a couple of brilliant friends on board for advice and support, I’m currently doing a bit of market research just to check out that this really is the brilliant opportunity it seems. I’m also lucky enough to have a fantastic boss who’s really encouraging and be in a position where I can continue to work full-time until I am almost certain I have a profitable business. If all goes to plan I’ll be able to let you know a little bit more in a few weeks and could be launching within the next three months!

As for the leg injury. I’m making a gradual recovery. Walking seems to be okay and the physio exercises are helping. I’m going to start building up my exercise next week with swimming, and I hope that in about four or five weeks I might be able to continue training for the marathon. I am going to make sure I am 100% before doing that though, don’t want any more injuries.

It’s exciting to think that in just nine months I could be running both a marathon and my own business! Even if it doesn’t quite work out as planned I have a feeling that the next few months are going to be exciting and educational, there will be lots of hard work too. I have to make the most of the buzz I’m on because I know there will be days that are tough and days that I doubt myself. At the moment I could happily work on my business from the moment I wake up until the moment I get to sleep (and dream about it too!) Whatever happens this could just be the most awesome year of my life!

However this week I really did jump off the edge into the unknown before thinking. Having no ability for what I’m possibly going to do other that determination and sheer bloody mindedness. I’ve entered the ballot for a place in the 2011 London Marathon. I’ve also signed up for a charity place, you know, just to double the odds that I will have to do something that will take me so far out of my comfort zone it will be a mere pin prick on the horizon. I won’t know until October if I have a place so the training starts now regardless of whether I get in or not.

In past years I’ve had plenty of excuses for not taking part in anything of this sort. I’m not sporty. Even when I’ve shown glimpses of sportiness my talent for running is zero. Plus there’s my knee to think about, it’s been a brilliant excuse, but actually I could do with something to prompt me to keep up my physio exercises as it’s a lot better after having a bad time of it a couple of months ago. Haven’t I increased my fitness by leaps and bounds this past three months? I can get through a spinning class without fear and am exercising at least three times a week these days. Surely getting fit enough to run 26 miles in eleven months is doable with that as a starting point.

Before I put on a pair of trainers and set off out of the door for the first time I set myself a target (so I couldn’t chicken out once I’d reminded myself how hard running is!). To be able to run five miles in one hour without dying by the time the ballot is drawn in October.

Having just been on my first two mile run (jog) I can inform you that goal is a long way off. Two miles at just over 4mph almost killed me. It didn’t quite. I survived. And jogged almost all of it, apart from a couple of minutes in when I walked because I was a bit overwhelmed with just how difficult running is (and needed to actually start breathing properly rather than shallow breaths that weren’t doing anything to help me!!!) My power walks are about that pace and a hell of a lot less painful!

This is possibly the biggest challenge I’ve ever taken on because it is completely different to any other challenges I’ve set myself before and requires me to do well in something I’m rubbish at. It requires learning a whole new way of succeeding in something that until now I’ve argued I can’t do. Not only do I have to train myself physically and mentally to actually be able to do it, but I also need to learn to believe I can do it. Having put the training in by October, if I don’t get a place in the London Marathon, I will find another marathon or half marathon to run and prove to myself I am capable of doing things beyond natural talents if I put in the hard work.

The other hurdle will be the fund raising. As soon as I find out I have a marathon place the cake baking etc. will commence. I’m sure I can come up with some fun and interesting ways to raise money with help from friends, family and anyone else who’d like to help. If I do get a place I will be raising money for Mind, a mental health charity, because I wouldn’t even be considering this if I hadn’t had help to learn how to live with depression and not let it win.

My first priority is to block out the images of the pain and tiredness I saw when three of my very fit friends who’d been training for months finished the marathon in 2007. As well as the stories, from a friend on the finish line as part of St John’s Ambulance, about people throwing up and passing out. Instead I’m going to focus on enduring eleven months of pain to make the day itself as painless as possible. Doesn’t that make logical sense to you?

p.s. Those of you actually enjoying my election and politics related blogs, I will post something in the next couple of days answering the question we’ve all been asking… was staying up all night on Thursday really worth it???

I am getting in the habit of exercising. Something I’ve tried to do before, and was finally succeeding in before the flu to end all influenza. This time once I was fully fit it took merely a week to get me back in a workout schedule. In the past my pattern with exercise has tended to be four weeks on, four months off… but not anymore!

Those who know me know that when I really don’t want to do something and there’s a good enough excuse then I’ll avoid it. I surprised myself a couple of weeks ago when I had a full medley of excuses to pick from, yet I made the 20 minutes walk to the gym in ice and snow to do an 8pm class. And I wanted to go. I’m amazed that I can get in from work, chill out for an hour or two before going to a class and not have talked myself out of it. And when I wake up on Thursday mornings often my first thought is “Ooh Body Balance tonight, I can’t wait!” Exercise being the highlight of my day? Who’d have thought? I’m sure there’s a few people that think I’m over exaggerating. I assure you I’m not.

It’s taken me years to get here though.

There are two reasons. The first is mental health. I know the best thing I can do to keep mentally healthy is regular exercise and meditation. I no longer take for granted that feeling better means I’m going to stay that way forever. I have to put the effort in. After last year I’m taking this more seriously than I have before and my brain is starting to have a natural reaction that if I feel rubbish exercise and/or meditation will help.

The second is health. And weight loss. I hate diets. Tell me I have to count calories or only eat certain types of food and all I can think about is that food. The prospect of doing that for an extended period of time makes me feel crap. Life’s too short to spend every day thinking about food you want but can’t have. That’s not to say I haven’t changed my eating habits. I’m getting the comfort eating under control, and trying to take the emotion out of food. But even without emotion baked cheesecake tastes bloody good!

The other thing about diets is that it’s one sure fire way to lose your boobs. I’ve seen it happen. I love the fact I have curves. Despite them being slightly bigger than I’d like, I’d rather they were how they are now than be slim and have none at all. Whereas exercise I can lose weight, tone up AND keep my curves. In fact the weight I’ve lost so far has emphasised them and I’m hoping that will continue.

So if I’m not going to only eat green foods on Wednesday, or starve myself through the week so I have enough points for wine and cake at the weekend, then I better flipping well get my exercise on. It would be a lie to say I haven’t cut down on what I’m eating, but on the rare occasion like today that I’ve had a muffin and some chocolate, I refuse to feel guilty about it. And I’m not going to worry that a few too many calories are going to land me back in my ‘big’ jeans.

I might never be a skinny woman, but if I can be a healthy and happy one then that will do me!

On Tuesday evening and Wednesday I was in London for the first time in six months. My past few trips down there I’ve found it unpleasant – the volume of people, the pollution and the frantic nature of everything. Back in August I referred to myself as an ‘outsider’ in a blog about London. I didn’t feel any connection to the place apart from to visit friends. But when I arrived on Tuesday it was different. The first thought that sprung to mind as I exited Kings Cross Station was “I feel like I’m home”. It would be an understatement to say that thought took me by surprise.

I’m not about to say I regret moving to Durham. By the time I left London I was homesick for the North. There is no way if I’d stayed in London I would have made the recovery I’m making now. For a start the NHS support wouldn’t have stretched past the medication they started me on. I wouldn’t have had access to counselling or CBT in the way I have up here. I needed a break from the city and the pressure. And I still absolutely love waking up to see an amazing sunrise over the fields out of my bedroom window. I’m also getting to see my nieces grow up. I got to spend a lot of time with my eldest niece until she was 4 and I went off to uni. I missed having the same opportunity with my two youngest nieces. I love being a big part of their lives for the time being. As for the job, the significant reduction in responsibility and stress has meant I could pursue different things outside of work. Most of all moving to Durham has given me the luxury of time to rest, relax and recover.

The book I’m reading at the moment had this paragraph in it and it summed up what I felt when I first came to Durham.

“I wanted to be left alone. Wanted the world to go away. oh, I wasn’t naive enough to suppose this Hansel and Gretel cottage existence would do forever; friends, a job, a lifestyle of sorts, maybe even a man might one day enter the equation, but at this moment my equation was small. I wanted to shrink my world so that I, and I alone was in control and only when I felt comfortable would I consider expanding. But only on my terms. Never again would I be at someone else’s beck and call, never again would I agree to a takeover.”
Rosie Meadows Regrets… – Catherine Alliott

And now I do feel comfortable and I’m itching to expand. After nearly 18 months of feeling that I have been apologising for my existence, I’m finding confidence in ways I never had it before. On the tube on Wednesday I flirted with my eyes. Almost accidentally I made eye contact with a man, and in a split second I decided to hold it. I smiled and looked away. And then looked back and he was still looking made eye contact again and he smiled. I don’t believe I have ever done anything like that before unless I’ve had a couple of bottles of wine down me. I felt like I should scold myself for being such a hussy, but I was smiling inside and marveling in the giddy feeling it gave me!

Being in London this week was an antidote to the things I’m starting to find difficult about living up here. My confidence is digging it’s heels back into it’s rightful place and that changes the way I interact with the world around me. Foremost with my friends. I have learned that having close friends nearby is incredibly important to me. Not that I haven’t made some lovely friends in Durham. I miss being around people that I can be totally myself with, the ones who are like extended family.

Friends aren’t the only things. I miss the ease of public transport, of getting to people and places. People are more sociable and relaxed because there aren’t cars, parking and last buses to worry about. I miss the culture and all the different things to do. I miss knowing the place, how to get around it and finding the little hidden gems of the city.

Not to mention the fact that Durham is small enough for a bit of eye flirting to become big gossip in no time.

Don’t worry I’m not about to pack my job in and jump on the next train down to the capital. I haven’t forgotten about all the negative impacts London had on me, but I think the “Durham effect” has negated a lot of that. I have developed the ability to be more laid back than I’ve ever been before. When I visit London in the next few months I’ll be able to work out if I can actually have a more chilled approach to the city.

But my announcement at the end of 2008 that I had ‘done’ London may have come prematurely. And with my mojo well and truly on the way back there may be too many opportunities in the big city for me not to give it another go. Come 2011 who knows what will happen!

It seemed quite a few of you enjoyed my BT blog and as I was rather angry (understatement) about the whole situation, I am pleased to say we got there in the end and it has been resolved. However I dare say this is the power of social networking. For those of you that aren’t aware, BT has a Twitter account @BTcare and it was my Twitter rants that got their attention. It was the BT Care team that sorted everything out as a result of my letter of complaint. The letter of complaint that I was sending because BT customer service were unable to answer my questions or provide any solutions. Without Twitter I wonder how much longer I would have been waiting for a response and a resolution. I’m happy with the outcome, and the service we agreed I will receive. However given a wider choice in future I doubt I’ll stick with BT in the long run.

I would have blogged about this sooner but as that issue was resolved my BT landline died. I spent last weekend without the internet, making me realise to my shame that I rely on the internet far too much. Of course my iPhone kept me connected to the world wide web but I still missed the ease of getting information the moment I want it in the way I want it. I’m a communications junkie. I may need to start going to some kind of Internet Users Anonymous shortly.

Believe it or not there has been more to life than BT these past few weeks…

Those of you who have been reading my blog since last year know about the struggle I’ve had with depression, bullying and my general health. It seems six weeks into the year 2010 is working out well. I’ve started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which has already led to one lightbulb moment of “Why did I never see that connection before?” It’s going to be an interesting and not always easy journey, but hopefully it will help me to prevent any future bouts of depression. It’s also helping me to understand why the bullying affected me so badly so quickly. I’m starting to really feel my confidence in myself returning for the first time in over a year.

Health wise I still seem to be catching everything going. The weekend after students came back I had a horrible cold, and yesterday I ended up leaving work early as the result of some kind of stomach bug. I blame students coming back from all corners of the UK and around the world with their nasty germs and depositing them in the library. My friend Phil thinks that perhaps Durham is just too clean, and like toddlers need to be exposed to germs to help their immune system, I need to spend more time visiting my friends in London. It is true though, I never got this ill in London. I’ve always been prone to catching bugs and viruses, but never to the extent or severity I have since living in Durham.

Think Geek seem to have the same germs as me!

However apart from the bugs, viruses and colds it seems my body’s reluctance to lose weight is over and it’s starting to drop off. I hope this continues and I can get back to a weight I’m happy with over the next few months. I’ll just keep up my side of the bargain with exercise and avoiding comfort eating and hopefully my body will respond in the way it has been the past few weeks.

If you happened to miss it on Facebook or Twitter (some would say that was impossible), I’m now a red head. I have never had so many comments or ‘likes’ on anything on Facebook so I think it suits me. I’m very flattered by all the positive comments. I’ve been thinking of going red for a long time. Should have done it a while ago!

Where it felt like 2009 was an uphill struggle it seems 2010 has got off to a much better start. That means that some other things, like writing, aren’t so prominent right now. Plans for my writing are progressing very slowly, and other plans for this year are barely out of the starting blocks. But investing time in myself in the short term will definitely pay off in other aspects of my life later on. I do find in CBT I use the word ‘balance’ a lot. Maybe I’ll eventually learn how to apply it to my life!

My blog moved to helenthornber.com on 15th March 2009. Since then I’ve had over 10,500 pageviews from over 5000 visitors, which may be nothing compared to Google, but is a big achievement for me (I feel like I should be making pretty graphics with all the stats like the ones I shared with you yesterday!)

1. The Real Me
My most popular blog post this year has been ‘The Real Me‘ (and not far behind is it’s follow up ‘The Real Me – Part 2‘). It was a blog I’d been unsure about writing so I’m glad my honesty about mental health has had such a positive response.

2. Geek Chic
Another popular blog. A surprise hit that sums up my own combination of girlie and geeky!

3. Waterstone’s Woes
I’m not known for keeping my opinion to myself so every so often I have a bit of a rant. Of all of them this has been the most popular. I still think that Waterstone’s should hire me as head honcho and then all their problems would be solved!

4. Adventures of a novice foodie
Back in August I decided to make the most of my summer holiday by cooking up a storm. Once of my proudest moments this year had to be successfully making sushi that looked like the real deal and tasted yummy. (The giraffe fried egg was pretty impressive too!)

5. Blog 101
Reaching my 100th blog was a big milestone that proved I could stick at it. But it was Blog 101 that I really enjoyed writing. Instead of waiting for the day I’m famous enough for the BBC to invite me in I decided to do it myself! Watch this space in 2010 for ‘Strictly Blog Dancing’, ‘Have I got Blog For You’ and ‘Top Blog’!

In the past it has been full steam ahead, no time for sleep. Exciting things being much more important than all the sensible stuff like food, sleep, exercise and relaxation. But it seems I may have finally learned that burning myself out is bad. And balance is good.

So what exactly are all these exciting things?

Well first on my list is me. I am excited because my confidence is returning, my energy is increasing and my weight is dropping. I am feeling much more ‘Helen’ like than I have for a long time.

Secondly is work. The day job. I am enjoying it and feel motivated and energised. There’s lots of fun stuff happening, and so many projects to do. Lots of deadlines too, but they will all get met. Nothing makes me happier than lots of projects and lots of energy.

Thing number three is writing. My blogging has taken on a life of it’s own. Thanks to Russell T Davies (see yesterdays blog) and Stephen Fry’s blog, my guilt about my novels is making a hasty retreat. I am finally enjoying writing and feeling satisfied by what’s being produced.

Number four is a new entry. And it is about 21 hours old. I had a thunderbolt of inspiration about setting up in business yesterday. It’s under wraps this moment as it’s early days (well ‘day’ in fact) but I think this is the solution to my problem of (a) wanting to work for myself eventually and (b) making the most of my strengths.

Life is good. And I’m enjoying it now. Because things change, tomorrow something awful could happen or generally stuff might not work out. Mostly I’m hoping that I have turned over a new leaf when it comes to myself and am going to be able to continue to look after myself so I can sustain this level of productivity and excitement.

My blog yesterday was worthwhile. Getting everything out of my head onto (virtual) paper helped me to see what is holding me back and causing this feeling of “meh” as I like to call it.

When everything came crashing down last October I realised my confidence had evaporated. But because of my determination to turn things around and get on with things I had to find a way of appearing confident again in a very short space of time. The problem is I’ve continued to appear confident, without really feeling that confident again since.

So it really is a case of being nice to myself and picking myself up. I need to spend more time giving myself a pat on the back when I achieve something. I need to not look in the mirror and tell myself about the bad things, instead focus on what is positive.

Before my holiday I had decided that at the end of it I should have a night out where I could get dressed up, look fabulous and have fun. Last night I did just that. Admittedly I started off by feeling that perhaps I should have called it off as I wasn’t as full of energy and hadn’t come as far as I had planned when I wrote ‘The Holiday’.

But I went ahead. I had a nice long shower and pampering session. I did my hair and makeup, which was so much fun. Then put on a new dress and shoes. I felt fabulous. I looked in the mirror and said to myself “You look gorgeous!” and for the first time in a long time I really felt good about myself.

The rest of the night was lovely too. There was something to celebrate, and that was getting to a point where I am starting to find my confidence again. Although I have a way to go, these two weeks have given me the jump-start I needed to work from. And so I come to the end of my holiday, back to work tomorrow. I have blogged every day… and achieved much beside!

I also found a cocktail called “Afternoon in the Woods” that has Earl Grey tea in it. Cups of tea at cocktail hour, now that is worth celebrating!

“When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things.” ~ Anon

The past two weeks I’ve been focussing on getting healthy so I have more energy. This came out of getting fed up of of feeling “meh” far too often. The depression has retreated for now but I’m still feeling a bit flat. I thought a fortnight of doing all the right stuff would have me dancing on the rooftops. It hasn’t. Though I have lost 4lb along the way. However that wasn’t meant to be my motivation, just a happy side effect. I’ve realised it’s time to just take stock of everything.

My sister did point out that a hell of a lot has happened in the past twelve months and perhaps my brain and body is just trying to catch up. It all started just over a year ago with being bullied at work. I’ve been bullied and suffered depression before, but it was only when I finally fell apart and I opened up about it that I realised how bad it had become. I didn’t say anything sooner because I was paranoid that I had made it all up. My sister who had seen me go through being bullied as a child and teenager, and suffering depression from my teen years onward, said that she had never seen me totally lose all confidence in every part of my life like I did with the bullying and depression this time round.

I don’t think the bullying caused the depression. I think that had been bubbling under the surface for the best part of a year. It was thing that shoved me off the edge. Although the person who bullied me moved to a different job, I couldn’t face trying to rebuild my reputation in a team where almost everyone was new in the past six months (that was how the bullying was so effective, my network had moved on). Even without all this I had been planning to leave the following summer as I knew it wasn’t the career for me.

The bullying had been going on for two or three months by the time everything came crashing down. Within five or six weeks I had handed in my notice and left. Applied for and got a new job. Moved out of my house in London. And I was off to New York for a holiday that had been planned for eighteen months. During this time I also had to deal with the guilt of how I’d upturned others lives in the process. My housemate, best mate, Suzi, had to move in between doing exams at a stressed point in her life. She also had to live with a depressed Helen. I was affecting my family and needing more support than ever. The overriding feeling was that I wanted to disappear for a couple of months, sort everything out on my own and then turn up and say look everyone it’s fine. I just didn’t want to affect anyone else.

But before I left London I went on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. Although I had two months between my old job and new, there wasn’t much time “off”. The first fortnight was manic, leaving parties, moving, going to New York. Once I got back I needed to find somewhere to live in the North East and the Christmas took over. Before I new it I was starting my new life. I knew I didn’t have time to fall apart so I needed the medication to keep me on track.

However one side effect is weight gain. By the time it got to Christmas I’d put on a stone and a half. A few months later I discovered the average weight gain on Citalopram is two to three stone, which made me feel great for all of a few hours. But I have just felt wretched most of the time. As I’d been moving towards depression the weight had crept on (comfort eating is the bain of my life) and over the previous 12 months had probably gained a stone. But to put on another stone and a half in the space of a month or so was hideous. When you’re starting a new job in a new place you want to feel fabulous. I just felt fat. I wanted to have some big neon sign saying “I know I look like a heffa, but I’m on medication, I’m not just a big fatty who can’t be bothered”.

I started my new job. And eventually started counselling too. I’ve found it so hard to make friends. I have met lots of lovely people, and the situation is improving now, but despite outward confidence and my apparent ease with socialising, inside I feel very socially awkward. There are times when I just prefer to be by myself, as being with people, whether old friends or new, is just hard work. So that’s been a huge barrier at times and made me feel very lonely. I’ve never felt homesick in my life, but the way I miss my best friends at times is probably similar to that.

And then I came off anti-depressants, which was just the most awful month. My moods swung from high to low. My sleep was all over the place. Everything felt out of sync and my head didn’t know what was going on. At this point I’d known the only close friend I’d made in Durham about a month and he got the full whack of my uncontrollable emotions. But my attitude was ‘at least now I’m going to lose all this medication weight’. Wrong.

Eventually the emotions and moods settled down. I became more confident that the depression had lifted and made some breakthroughs at counselling. I’ve also been through a whole bit of relationship stuff (which isn’t just mine to discuss hence the brevity). I finished counselling about three weeks ago and then I thought I’d do this whole holiday thing. Positive thinking, positive actions. The power of positive thought, et al.

But writing all of this makes me see that perhaps I do need to give myself a break. I’m haven’t written this for sympathy, many people go through and survive situations that are much worse.Ultimately the changes I’ve made in my life as a result of everything will be for the better in the long term.

I just want to be able to accept how I’m feeling and keep doing the good stuff I’m doing. I’m just tired of things being difficult. I’m tired of being a difficult person and I just want to get on with being happy and enjoying life. But for now I need to learn to be kind to myself and love myself again. Because after all of this I need some TLC.

It isn’t the first time I have opened up about this. At the beginning of 2003 I had to do the same. In university it is hard to hide these things. The people you live with tend to notice the endless crying, low moods and all the other things that characterise a serious episode of depression. But in some ways it is a luxury to be so exposed. You can’t hide away. And you can get help. And no one is going to kick you off your degree course for having a mental health problem. Unlike the world of work where you feel much more vulnerable to discrimination and bullying for simply having a health issue.

Then, like now, being open about this meant that people were more open about their experiences of mental health. Whether it was their mental health, or that of close family or friends, people felt they could open up. But why open up to me? There is nothing special or different about me. My experience with depression is no more or less valid than anyone else. The only difference is that I spoke out about it. Something others can’t do.

Working in a university, and with no ambition to climb the career ladder in my current job, I feel I have the freedom to be able to talk about depression with limited impact on my life. As I alluded to in my last blog on the subject, it is something I would have never done in my previous career. It was not an unfounded fear as I was recommended and asked to discriminate against others for various reasons. Obviously not explicitly, but the decisions I was asked to make (which I fought against, and refused to do) were based on an assumption that people with certain health issues were a liability and couldn’t be trusted to perform certain roles.

Reading an article on a mother’s experience of Aspergers and the case of Gary McKinnon makes me scared of the society we live in and the decisions being made. The lack of understanding by people in a position of power to make decisions about those of us that suffer from any kind of disability scares me. It is something I often try to put to the back of my mind as I don’t like the feeling of anxiety that grows because of it. The power of people who don’t understand has led me to never be fully open about how bad I have suffered from depression at times, because of a fear of being detained under the Mental Health Act. Ultimately I find myself balancing between fighting for the support I need (and by paying my taxes, I feel entitled to) and not saying too much in case someone decides that they know what is best for me.

This week I discovered the campaign Time To Change (also on Twitter and Facebook). Talking about mental health and changing the way it is viewed is essential. Based on my past family history if I have children it is highly likely they will suffer from some form of mental health issue at some point and I don’t want them to face the same challenges as I do now.

So many people have health issues and disabilities but continue to live a ‘normal’ life. My mental health means that some days are incredibly hard and leave me exhausted, but I will never let it stop me from living my life. There is no reason I can’t have success in my career and relationships because of my mental health, as long as I find my own ways of dealing with it. It is not up to anyone else to tell me what I am and am not capable of.

I sincerely hope Time To Change makes a difference and will be doing whatever I can to support the campaign. And whether you have Mental Health issues or not I hope you will support it to by signing up now.