The Real Me
As a natural communicator and in the business of communicating I am constantly checking how open I am about things. Inevitably I suffer from foot in mouth syndrome on regular occasions and quite often get it completely wrong. Fortunately I get it spectacularly right with enough frequency to keep me in a job and not lose me all my friends and acquaintances.
That balance is what has made the decision to write this particular post so hard. I’m know people who read my blog vary from close friends to colleagues to complete strangers. I also know that there are certain things that one shouldn’t mention for fear of it destroying career prospects and/or reputation, not to mention people suddenly judging you and treating you differently because they have some additional information about you. Ultimately though for me I like to be as honest as I possibly can. And with the hope that my career will result in being paid to write in various capacities, then being ‘me’ shouldn’t hinder that too much.
Depression is part of my life. Whoosh… there you go, it’s out there. It’s a big part. I have to manage it (which I think I do a damn good job of most of the time considering most people aren’t aware it’s an affliction I have). At times it is a right royal pain in the backside, both for me and those close to me. But at the same time it’s been with me for half of my life (probably more but my first significant memory is when I was 13) and it’s shaped who I am today. In fact rather than a weakness it’s a strength. When I do have an episode the slippery slope down to the bottom can be a bit unpredictable and drawn out, but once I hit that lowest point I have the fastest turn around in history.
Last time it happened was the final straw in making my decision to leave my old job and leave London. I’d been a bit of a nightmare for weeks, but was still going to work and functioning until eventually one evening I just collapsed under the weight of it all. However within 24-48 hours I was dragging myself back out of it. Heading off to the doctors to find a way to deal with it and applying for jobs (the first job I applied for I got!)
So why the question of to tell or not to tell? Whilst I could probably go along and avoid a majority of people in my life knowing about it, I hate the pressure of amending and editing what I say about the past and present so that I don’t mention the ‘D’ word. I’m fed up of mysteriously turning up late for work once a fortnight because of a doctors appointment (I’m currently seeing a counsellor) or not being able to turn around and go ‘I’m sorry. I’m just having a crap day’.
I am aware that having now told the world (or the tiny weeny proportion of the world that reads this) that some people might decide to treat me differently or suddenly think I am incapable of doing something because of it. I won’t lie, there are lots of times when life isn’t easy and I have to battle with an overwhelming feeling of being too tired or having no motivation whatsoever. But throughout my life I have achieved a hell of a lot and it depression has never stopped me doing something that was really important to me, or that really had to be done.
If I had a physical disability it would be out there for everyone to see. I wouldn’t have to make this choice. Even if I suffered from dyslexia or ADHD it would probably seem more acceptable as these are now mainstream conditions that are spoken about in every day life. I shouldn’t have to keep this a secret, like I felt I had to for the three years in my previous job (apart from Occupational Health) but if I had been open about it I don’t think I would have had the opportunities I did. Perceptions of depression need to change. I think a lot of people (including myself at times) are put in situations that make the depression worse by being unable to speak about it or being discriminated because of it.
Finally I am able to get support through counselling, and hopefully other therapies now I’m out of London (where the NHS is so overstretched there is no money for therapy, only drugs.) I am also in a position to realise that I am fed up of trying to fit in with the world and ‘normality’ (which is a myth that doesn’t really exist anyway!) instead I am day by day working away to find out how I can be myself and make the most of my abilities in this crazy diverse abnormal world!
Stills from my an animation project in 2003 as part of the 2nd year of my degree (BA Hons Computer Visualisation & Animation from the NCCA at Bournemouth University) following a bad bout of depression
It was very brave of you to write this & I’m happy that you did. I agree that general perceptions regarding depression and the people who suffer from it need to change. I congratulate you on your post and your handling of the condition. I also like your artwork. Best wishes.
Thanks for the refreshing honesty, Helen! That’s the sort of courage that will make others brave enough to “come out” about their own issues, and we all have them. Whether we self-medicate with liquor or chocolate (my personal choice) or religion or “self-talk”, in the end our real comfort is in others who come alongside us & “comfort with the comfort with which they were comforted.”. That can’t happen without the courage to say how you are struggling & what helps you find the way out.
I hope there’s a typo in your note though. You said YOU were a nightmare but that isn’t true. You may feel as if you’re walking…even running…through one, but at your screaming, sobbing, raging worst (thinking of myself here) you like all of us are nothing more or less than a fellow human who can help & be helped by others.
Thanks for being so “transparent.”. I prefer it in curtains, frankly, but I’ll take what I can get! ;0)
Simply, I think you are remarkable. X
That was brave. Well done.
For what it’s worth, those stills are some of the most beautiful images I’ve seen in a while. And I’ll be writing a reply to this, but when I’ve had a little time to consider it – probably as a blog entry.
J
Great post! I know what it feels like to publish on mental health issues, check out: http://violamaths.blogspot.com/2009/07/on-being-bit-bonkers.html
Your article thoroughly resonates – particularly the bit about the difficulties you encounter when people do NOT know about your depression. I have generally found my life is easier when people DO know what is going on. I have also been amazed that since I wrote my blog post on my mental health problems, many many people have since e-mailed me or direct messaged me on twitter to say that they or someone close to them have had similar difficulties. I have also received very positive reactions from people.
So VERY good for you! And thank you from me for being someone else who is open and positive and telling those who read what CAN be achieved by those who have mental health issues!!!
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