If you’d told me 12 months ago I would be writing this blog I would have laughed in disbelief. But times change and it does heal too. Not to disregard all the hard work I’ve put into reversing the effects of being bullied and recovering from depression. The past few weeks I have really come into my own and the past fortnight I have not only felt like I’m back to being “Helen” but that I may even be finding confidence in some areas of my life I didn’t have before. These are early days and I dare say that I need to continue the things I’m doing to cement this return to all things good.

On Tuesday evening and Wednesday I was in London for the first time in six months. My past few trips down there I’ve found it unpleasant – the volume of people, the pollution and the frantic nature of everything. Back in August I referred to myself as an ‘outsider’ in a blog about London. I didn’t feel any connection to the place apart from to visit friends. But when I arrived on Tuesday it was different. The first thought that sprung to mind as I exited Kings Cross Station was “I feel like I’m home”. It would be an understatement to say that thought took me by surprise.

I’m not about to say I regret moving to Durham. By the time I left London I was homesick for the North. There is no way if I’d stayed in London I would have made the recovery I’m making now. For a start the NHS support wouldn’t have stretched past the medication they started me on. I wouldn’t have had access to counselling or CBT in the way I have up here. I needed a break from the city and the pressure. And I still absolutely love waking up to see an amazing sunrise over the fields out of my bedroom window. I’m also getting to see my nieces grow up. I got to spend a lot of time with my eldest niece until she was 4 and I went off to uni. I missed having the same opportunity with my two youngest nieces. I love being a big part of their lives for the time being. As for the job, the significant reduction in responsibility and stress has meant I could pursue different things outside of work. Most of all moving to Durham has given me the luxury of time to rest, relax and recover.

The book I’m reading at the moment had this paragraph in it and it summed up what I felt when I first came to Durham.

“I wanted to be left alone. Wanted the world to go away. oh, I wasn’t naive enough to suppose this Hansel and Gretel cottage existence would do forever; friends, a job, a lifestyle of sorts, maybe even a man might one day enter the equation, but at this moment my equation was small. I wanted to shrink my world so that I, and I alone was in control and only when I felt comfortable would I consider expanding. But only on my terms. Never again would I be at someone else’s beck and call, never again would I agree to a takeover.”
Rosie Meadows Regrets… – Catherine Alliott

And now I do feel comfortable and I’m itching to expand. After nearly 18 months of feeling that I have been apologising for my existence, I’m finding confidence in ways I never had it before. On the tube on Wednesday I flirted with my eyes. Almost accidentally I made eye contact with a man, and in a split second I decided to hold it. I smiled and looked away. And then looked back and he was still looking made eye contact again and he smiled. I don’t believe I have ever done anything like that before unless I’ve had a couple of bottles of wine down me. I felt like I should scold myself for being such a hussy, but I was smiling inside and marveling in the giddy feeling it gave me!

Being in London this week was an antidote to the things I’m starting to find difficult about living up here. My confidence is digging it’s heels back into it’s rightful place and that changes the way I interact with the world around me. Foremost with my friends. I have learned that having close friends nearby is incredibly important to me. Not that I haven’t made some lovely friends in Durham. I miss being around people that I can be totally myself with, the ones who are like extended family.

Friends aren’t the only things. I miss the ease of public transport, of getting to people and places. People are more sociable and relaxed because there aren’t cars, parking and last buses to worry about. I miss the culture and all the different things to do. I miss knowing the place, how to get around it and finding the little hidden gems of the city.

Not to mention the fact that Durham is small enough for a bit of eye flirting to become big gossip in no time.

Don’t worry I’m not about to pack my job in and jump on the next train down to the capital. I haven’t forgotten about all the negative impacts London had on me, but I think the “Durham effect” has negated a lot of that. I have developed the ability to be more laid back than I’ve ever been before. When I visit London in the next few months I’ll be able to work out if I can actually have a more chilled approach to the city.

But my announcement at the end of 2008 that I had ‘done’ London may have come prematurely. And with my mojo well and truly on the way back there may be too many opportunities in the big city for me not to give it another go. Come 2011 who knows what will happen!