For the first time in a long time I find myself in a peculiar position. I don’t have a crush on someone. Anyone. Usually if there’s no one in the present I can dig something up from my past, stick the rose tinted glasses on and swoon away. Sometimes some kind of relationship however vague, complicated or seemingly normal develops from these crushes. Other times they remain a purely one sided thing.

But for the time being I am sans crush. Well except for in the land of celebrity men where, after watching Glee, Matthew Morrison has just taken up residence as man of the moment.

It is a rare ocassion these days that I end up in the spectrum between merry and hideously drunk. But on those occassions there is one thing to be done. And that is to text, call or otherwise get in touch with someone who I am in whichever way romantically entangled with (or not). On Monday night was one such rare occasion where I had a little too much wine for a school night. Enough to make me want to text someone. And that was when it hit me. I had no one to text. I have some how reached a point where I’ve laid all my past relationships and complications to rest.

This weekend I have a date but I feel incredibly neutral about it. If he does turn out to be a wonderful, gorgeous man who one day becomes something more than a random date then I do apologise in hindsight for this blog entry. But I am simply not excited. And it is not his fault at all. We’ve been in touch since before the ‘dating-that-seemed-very-promising-but-dumped-me-out-of-the-blue guy’ was on the scene (he wasn’t around long enough to get a convenient nickname). Our planned dates have fallen fowl of everything from illness to the weather over the past few months. The fact we’ve kept in touch throughout all of that means I do want to meet him and give it a go. But if 2009 was characterised by a hoping to find a wonderful relationship (alongside a fear that I might not), 2010 is turning into the year that I seemingly just don’t care either way.

There have been some warning signs that I’m leaving the relationship drama behind. When ‘dating-that-seemed-very-promising-but-dumped-me-out-of-the-blue guy’ told me it was over on the phone (well I phoned him when I got the text saying “We need to talk”) I was out for dinner with a friend who I had been telling just moments before that this had been the most promising thing I’d been involved in for a long time. A very long time. In the space of one evening I got upset, angry and very very drunk. I cried about my never-ending singleness. I sent a drunken rambling email to my best girl friends as none of them live near enough for sympathy drinks. I got angry and sent the ‘you’re a git’ text before deleting all his contact details from my phone. By the next morning I was done. Six hours of break up drama and that was pretty much it.

Since the dawn of puberty when I realised I fancied people, I fancied a lot of them. My crushes were legendary. Some were long, some were reoccuring, some just for a week. But I always had a crush on someone. Although I spent most of my time from sixteen to twenty in relationships, the times in between I always managed to fit in an infatuation. While I was in sixth form my ability to have crushes on multiple people at once didn’t get my first proper relationship off to the best start (though once I learned my lesson it did last just over two years!)

Flirting was responsible for the most of the early problems with my first relationship. And flirting is in no way directly connected to who I like in that way. In fact the more I like someone the worse my flirting is. The only time a potential other half gets the benefit of my flirting is once I feel quite secure that there is a mutual affection. When I’m just friends with someone I am far better at the flirting business, though in the past it’s led to some unintentional situations. Right now given the right situation my flirting is probably on top form. My belief in or need for a relationship is however at an all time low.

Whenever I’m suffering from unrequited love or relationship breakdown I think life would be some much easier without that heart ache. There have been times in my past where I’ve been so heart broken I’ve struggled to work, sleep and function like a normal human being. I can report that, yes, in many ways life is easier now. I get up, go to work and get on with my life. I have time to do so much more without obsessing about another human being. But it’s also not as much fun. There’s no drama. No gossip. No one to daydream about, dream about at night or wake up thinking about first thing in the morning. I feel completely calm and fine about being single. But somewhat disappointed too.

I hope that this is just a blip on my romantic radar. That in a few days, weeks or month some suitable opportunity will present itself and kick start the romance and relationship part of my brain. If past performance is anything to go by I can’t last long in this situation. I’m still far too young to settle for being a spinster!