When it comes to the debate I agree with the 61% of people in New York who believe the community have the right to build the Mosque. I’m open to debate and other opinions, but in this case I am uncomfortable with the undertones of racism, however unintentional.  Muslims who live and work in Lower Manhattan were not responsible for 9/11 and I would hedge my bets that a lot of them were deeply affected by it. I’m almost certain if there was a proposal for a new church or synagogue in the area most people in the States wouldn’t know about it, or if they did they probably wouldn’t care. It is discrimination to deny an existing community the right to develop the facilities they need because a group of extremists, that they had nothing to do with, committed an act of terrorism in the name of the religion they practice. If this mosque isn’t built it will confirm an opinion that will only serve to breed the lack of understanding, discrimination and fear of the Muslim community, which is completely unacceptable. I believe the worst possible outcome has to be that this mosque doesn’t go ahead, confirming the incorrect and damaging views of people who unjustly associate anything to do with Islam with terrorism.

Ultimately my opinions don’t matter, nor do those of a majority of Americans. Many of them will have never visited Manhattan or know that there are already two established Mosques in the area. The way it was reported on BBC Radio 1 News this morning gives the impression that this is the creation of a new community, rather than the development of an already established one which doesn’t have enough space in their existing places of worship. I can only imagine that the right wing news networks in the States are reporting this in an uninformed and sensationalist manner. Whether Obama is “out of step” with America on this issue should’t matter. The only people who’s voices who count are those people who live and work in Lower Manhattan.

As for the mid-term elections, I hope that people see past the media circus and vote based on the issues that have affected them in the past two years. Obama was right to take a stand on this issue. While it could be argued his position is to represent the views of the US population, it is a higher priority to defend their rights. Those who suggest that he has damaged the vulnerable Democrats and given the Republicans and easy hand miss the point and reflect the kind of politics I hate. No one should tolerate racism, or any other unacceptable point of view or behaviour, to win votes but we all know that it happens. I have what may seem like a naive hope that for once sense, in both situations, will prevail.

Of course the easiest way to have lots more energy and jump out of bed (well almost) at 6.30am every morning is if I’m exercising regularly. Thankfully the leg injury continues to recover and I’ve now added the cross trainer to my repertoire of exercise activities, though it will take some serious spinning before the fitness and energy levels are where I’d like them to be. I won’t run before I can walk, or indeed cycle before I can cross-train. A few more weeks and I should be an exercise junkie once again. Hopefully it will give me the thinking power to keep building the business, with a little bit to spare so I can write interesting and witty blogs once again.

As always, I’ve found a benefit to the crazy amounts of work and number of things happening in my life. That is to change my approach from sprint to marathon. Literally when it comes to exercise, and metaphorically when it comes to the business. Thinking strategically about what I want to achieve and not just taking the quickest route, but finding the most sustainable one. After the initial buzz with the business it’s now about creating a solid foundation that I can confidently sell to clients from. People keep asking what I’m up to, I’d love to tell exciting stories of building networks and trying to win contracts but, at the expense of keeping other people entertained, I need to focus on the less exciting bits to make the more exciting bits a success when they need to be.

I understand why so many businesses fail, it does take a huge amount of work and commitment, not to mention belief in yourself and your idea. I’ve not been immune to the temptation to give up and just start job hunting again. It’s at times like those I remember why I’m doing this, and that if I don’t give it my all I’ll always wonder “What if?” The next few weeks and months will be the toughest, but if I can realise my vision of creating something unique, different and valuable (and sell it) then it will all be worth it.

I refuse to believe I’m destined for a life alone, but to avoid that fate I need to work out what is going on that causes the groundhog day effect within weeks of starting to date someone new. I’ve tried all sorted of approaches, from taking things slow to probably moving a little too fast at times. But however things start out they always end the same. The one thing all these guys seem to have in common is that dating me seems to prompt them to “find themselves” and that’s where all the trouble stems from. Having spent the past decade sorting myself out I’m not looking for another project. From a career perspective it’s great that I can motivate people to reach their potential, however when I start dating someone I really don’t want to be triggering a major life reevaluation.

It seems that internet dating isn’t the mecca I thought it might once be. And though I was pretty livid last night, ultimately the problem when things don’t work out are two people in different places not communicating. Perhaps I do need to be more specific and focused about what I want, or try dating people I would normally rule out. I am tempted to just give up on the dating thing and go back to the comfortable familiarity of being single, after all I could come up with 101 reasons why I’m too busy for a relationship right now. But I’m already in my late-twenties, and I imagine I could spend the next thirty years using that excuse, by which point the chance of having kids would have well passed me by. Life isn’t going to get quieter any time soon.

So for now I’m going to try and figure out what I want and see who I meet. Take chances, date differently and hope that in the near future I meet someone who makes my heart beat faster, sets off the butterflies in my stomach and sticks around for more than just a few weeks. How hard can it be?

The day job is at it’s busy peak, it’s the time of year that I have multiple deadlines looming and my to-do list for the next three months is almost as long as the one for the last nine. Despite my vow not to take work home I still spent a Friday night finishing something off, accompanied by a glass of wine of course. At least I can’t be accused of slacking in light of starting my own business.

Day-to-day I’m developing a deep, but apparently not very meaningful, relationship with both BT & Vodafone, I’ve spent more time speaking to them than to my friends and family in the past couple of weeks. BT is a long haul stress, which is on the verge of an Ofcom complaint. The worst bit is that a couple of hundred pounds is nothing to them, but is worth making my life difficult for it seems.

My calf muscle injury is slowly recovering, but there are times it wipes me out. And I wish I could have got up and gone Spinning this morning.  At least I’m grateful that I still have the motivation, even if I don’t have the ability right now.

In between all of this I’m setting up the business. It’s exciting and most of the time quite fun. It’s also scary as hell and absolutely exhausting. Every day is a challenge just to persuade myself to get over my fears and just get on with it. I do know that whatever successes and failures come out of this it’s absolutely worth it, and I can do it.

And then I’m trying not to neglect my family and friends. I’m sure plenty of them could moan that I haven’t been in touch enough recently.

Plus I’m committed to making time to relax and chill out. I’ve worked to hard over the past couple of years to learn that if you are exhausted and run down you’re no good to anyone, taking time out as you go along is the only way to survive. I absolutely can’t burn myself out.

As lists goes that’s probably quite enough to contend with for the next couple of months. But some things you just can’t plan for. And that has come in the shape of a lovely, wonderful and gorgeous guy. Of course the fact that dating absolutely terrifies me makes it the most challenging thing out of all of the above. Stress, tiredness and moments of despair I can survive, I’ve got through much worse. I could teach BT a thing or two about dealing with stuff and moving on. Life is messy and annoying, but also fun and rewarding. But dating and relationships, well that’s just one big horror movie.

Meeting Mr Fireman (oh yes…) has been a bit of shock to the system. I have been quite self-delusional about the whole relationship thing for a long time. The lady hath protested too much in the past. My crimes are shocking. I now realise I was looking for the non-existent perfect guy, I think I subconsciously have been dating people who I knew it wouldn’t work out with and I am one big control freak who quite likes being single and having complete control over my life and my emotions. When it comes to dating I seem to have two personalities, Ice Queen or Cling-on. And they interchange at no notice, and probably confuse the hell out of any man who comes within a few hundred yards. Mr Fireman is a pretty awesome guy and has proven his worth, and now I need to step up to the mark and show him that I can be awesome too, because he really deserves that. Except I’m in No Mans Land… I don’t quite know what I’m meant to do next.

The law that says you can’t have everything probably decrees right now that I either get the business or the boy. That is a stupid rule. I’m not claiming it’s going to be easy, somehow I have to juggle a full-time job, putting just as many hours into the business and make time for a guy who works all sorts of shifts. But there is nothing I love more than to prove nothing is impossible. I refuse to choose between them. There is no such thing as having ‘everything’, and life has a habit of ignoring good timing. Good things don’t just happen you have to work for them. Patience, focus and dealing with what life throws at you as it happens is the only way to get what you want. And accepting that happy endings don’t exist… because who on earth would want something that makes you happy to end?

Speaking of exercise, my dreams of hitting the pool and getting back on the cross trainer are quite a bit behind schedule after a relapse with the leg. In fact the whole marathon plan looks like it could end up being delayed 12 months after I managed to take a good few steps back with recovery. I only got off crutches last Thursday, and at the very earliest it will be late August or early September before I can think about running again. Even then the first month I’ll have to stick to the treadmill, and the chances to get a 10k run in before the weather starts turning cold and icy are looking slim. I’ve decided not to enter for a charity place, if I get my balloted place I’ll have a much better idea of how much time I have to train and whether it’s possible, and I can still raise money for Mind. If I don’t get the balloted place I’ll aim for the 2011 Great North Run and 2012 London Marathon. Much as people try to persuade me, I refuse to give up, I just might not get there quite as quickly as expected!

The main reason for my lack of writing is that most of my spare time is spent on the business. Setting it up while working full-time is a challenge and without exercise to give me regular energy boosts it’s definitely testing me. It is however giving me the opportunity to prove that I have learned from past mistakes and somehow finding a way to have some semblance of work/life balance. It’s finally sunk in that if I get tired I need to rest, otherwise I’ll burn out. Two hours less work on one evening is better than a week without work because I’m exhausted. And I can give myself credit for the progress I’m making, even though I set myself impossible deadlines, deep down I’m realistic about what I can do. I have a first draft of my business plan, I’m getting the administration stuff set up, I’m making sure I’m doing all the right things by the day job and I’m starting to put together a marketing and sales plan. I’ve even given it a name.

Naming the company was a rather interesting process. With nearly 20,000 private training providers in the UK it’s no surprise that the obvious through to the fairly obscure with a tenuous connection to training are taken. I’ve never had much issue with naming in the past, but this is different. If my business is successful then I could be working with this name for many years to come. With the added complication that I was quite far along with the branding process it made finding something unique that fit seem almost impossible. My sister compared it to naming a baby (something she’s done twice) and reliably informed me that the baby does grow into the name even when you’re not quite sure. Except with my baby business, I already have a very good idea of the personality it’s going to have when it grows up. It’s been a couple of weeks now and it is definitely growing on me, and as of today it’s a limited company. Say hello to Mariposa Development Ltd…

Now I’m looking forward to getting out there and starting to share my plans with potential clients, and building on what I have so far. It’s a few weeks off, but there’s plenty of work to do before then. Somehow over the years I’ve learned to take a step back and prepare before rushing in like a bull in a china shop. Things are moving quickly, but they’re not running away with themselves.

Day by day I’m gradually quietening the voice in my head that tells me I’m silly for thinking I can run my own business, though I think it’s a while before I stop looking in the mirror going “What am I doing?!” I’ve had some really positive and encouraging conversations, it surprises me how many people say “I would love to run my own business, but…” I’m not going to lie, taking the plunge is scary, it scares me every single day, but I just have to face the fear and focus on what I want to do and why I want to do it. Coming to work reminds me why I want to be my own boss (even though my current boss is lovely!!!) now I have a clear idea of what I’m doing I know it’s an opportunity to do the things I love doing every day, I’d kick myself if I didn’t try and do everything I can to make this work. Having your own company means working incredibly hard, but the freedom to do something I’m passionate about and have control over my own life will make it worth it. If it’s a success I’ll lose the security and perks that a day job has, but I will gain the freedom and flexibility of planning my own time. Whatever happens this could be the most exciting adventure of my life so far!

The first I’ll start with is, as promised, to explain my Facebook status earlier this week. For those of you who missed it, I posted:

Describe me positively in three words (it’s for a very good cause I promise… If I get at least 20 responses I’ll tell all on my blog!!!)

In total, between comments and texts I got 23 responses that ended up looking something like this…

I wasn’t just fishing for compliments (honestly!), there was actually a real reason for it. Tuesday was my final Cognitive Behavioural Therapy session. This exercise helped me see that perhaps my self-perception isn’t quite spot on. I spend a bit too much time and energy beating myself up about not being what I expect. I anticipated the words such as positive, bubbly, optimistic, creative, but some of the others surprised me. Some people responded with words that describe how I’d like to come across, attributes I constantly worry gets hidden below the more fluffy qualities. Determined, thoughtful, dedicated, organised, supportive, focused, reliable, intelligent – all words that reflect that although I like to have fun my friends see that I can be serious and I have substance. This activity was a springboard from looking at depression to generally improving my self-esteem, something I will continue to work on now my CBT has finished.

CBT might not work for everyone, but for me it has been life changing. I’m a great believe you get as much out as you put in. I started of skeptical and unsure if it was right for me, but despite that I made an effort to engage. In the early weeks I felt like I was wasting valuable NHS time and resources, but I’m so glad I stuck it out. I understand my depression more than ever before and, as long as I don’t get complacent, I’m fairly confident I can avoid a future major bout of depression. Of course I can’t know for certain, things come out of the blue and there are so many things that could trigger an episode, but I will make sure I have my strategies for coping at hand.

It’s also had a rather marvellous side effect that should explain the mystery of my other behaviour. Going through the process has given me the confidence and self-belief to take the plunge and start to set up my own business. It’s very very early days, but the idea is something that seems to have evolved and been influenced by so much that’s happened in the few years since I’ve graduated. I’m very excited and have a couple of brilliant friends on board for advice and support, I’m currently doing a bit of market research just to check out that this really is the brilliant opportunity it seems. I’m also lucky enough to have a fantastic boss who’s really encouraging and be in a position where I can continue to work full-time until I am almost certain I have a profitable business. If all goes to plan I’ll be able to let you know a little bit more in a few weeks and could be launching within the next three months!

As for the leg injury. I’m making a gradual recovery. Walking seems to be okay and the physio exercises are helping. I’m going to start building up my exercise next week with swimming, and I hope that in about four or five weeks I might be able to continue training for the marathon. I am going to make sure I am 100% before doing that though, don’t want any more injuries.

It’s exciting to think that in just nine months I could be running both a marathon and my own business! Even if it doesn’t quite work out as planned I have a feeling that the next few months are going to be exciting and educational, there will be lots of hard work too. I have to make the most of the buzz I’m on because I know there will be days that are tough and days that I doubt myself. At the moment I could happily work on my business from the moment I wake up until the moment I get to sleep (and dream about it too!) Whatever happens this could just be the most awesome year of my life!

It is also the first chance I’ve had to play on an iPad. It definitely does elicit a “Oooh” on seeing it. It’s prettier and smaller than I thought it would be. I’ve already checked out the video capability by watching the Sex and the City 2 trailer (again – well it’s important that it’s something I can do a like for like comparison on my iPhone and Macbook) and now I’m checking out the typing capability with this blog. It’s actually quite nice to type on, I’m getting a fair pace up and feel like I’ve got to grips with the keyboard in a couple of paragraphs even though I have to remember to change for different punctuation. The leap from iPhone to iPad is minimal, but landscape the keyboard is very acceptable for writing.

It is a thing of beauty… I can imagine sitting on a train typing away or taking a break to watch a movie. The most appealing thing is the size is small enough to fit in most of my handbags. If I travelled as much as I used to then I would almost certainly get one of these to save on luggage when a laptop wasn’t necessary. Especially now Im convinced I could type on it without trouble.

Having said that I wouldn’t necessarily use it as an eBook reader. With the iPad you are reading a screen, unlike the Sony Reader where the experience isn’t nearly as harsh on your eyes (as someone who is due their first pair of glasses probably due to too much screen time that’s a huge drawback). The other reason is that I don’t believe the days of the book are over, I’m quite sentimental about holding a real book in my hand to read. And these days even the humble paperback is multifunctional. Place it under your iPad and it makes it just the right height of the surface to be able to type comfortably! (although I’m currently using an empty Graze* box, they are multifunctional too!)

The only major downside is publishing this blog. In an hour of playing about on this thing I have learned many things, such as how to save an image from the web or email to your iPad and realised just how fast you can switch between apps. But to work between Evernote, WordPress and Safari is too fiddly for my liking and I’ve ended up heading back to my work PC to finish up the job. It’s probably a good job there is a downside as it stops me from heading straight to the Newcastle Apple Store after work (actually my leg would also do a pretty good job of slowing me down!)

Compared to the iPad my iPhone suddenly seems tiny too! And that’s the third first of the day. Hopefully sometime soon after 6pm (BST) Steve Jobs will announce the new iPhone HD/4G and that i am very excited about. Never before have I been at the moment of a major Apple release able to justify indulging in the newness. For the first time i have a genuine excuse of being at the point of upgrade on my contract. Much as I may have to have this iPad prized from my hands in an hour or so, I will let it go and for now resist rushing out and buying one for myself. But once the new iPhone is on pre-order wild horses won’t be able to stop me…

*try Graze for free (includes free iPad stand… kind of!) using the code RDFJPGB at http://www.graze.com/

Well yes. I suppose I should be looking on the bright side. And most of the time I can. But it is amazing how isolating being stuck home alone with an injury is. When you have the flu/migraine/stomach bug (delete as applicable) your brain all but shuts down. You’re capable of sleep and watching TV and not much else. Your needs are pretty much water, soup and paracetamol. You still get fed up, but it seems much easier to accept that you can’t do a thing, and your brain doesn’t fully function or really care what is going on as long as you are as comfortable as possible.

But this is possibly the first time in my life I’ve realised how much I take everyday things for granted. My brain is still in full working order, so when my sister kindly offers to go shopping instead of a simple list, she gets instructions like “child size fromage frais, whatever is on offer, but not Nestle!” I decided that annotating it with the questions I would ask myself is perhaps going a step too far (and could result in my sister abandoning me).Going through my shopping list I realise just how many thoughts my brain goes through on the average trip to Sainsburys.  I don’t just pick stuff up, it seems everything from the sell by dates of houmous to the price vs quality of tomatoes makes my supermarket shops more complex than the average persons. Decisions take into account price, brand, quality, shelf life, ethical issues and in a different order or ranking of importance for different products. It’s probably why, despite not having a car and struggling on the bus, I have never fully embraced online supermarket shopping.

I have realised my control freakery runs deep. There are plenty of things in life I can let go of. Day to day I can seem positively normal, I don’t tend to get too precious about things at work, I don’t have any silly rules in my home and the way other people live their lives is up to them. On the surface I have relinquished the need for control of everything because trying to be in control when other people are involved is no fun. It’s much better to be relaxed there and save the control freak for things I don’t have to involve other people in like buying food, getting from A to B, and posting letters. Except suddenly I find myself trapped at home unable to control the details of my life that hold my secrets of weird, demanding and high maintenance behaviour. I love being independent, because in that independence I can be me, with all my crazy ways of doing things, without having to impact or rely on anyone else. It’s like having my secret superhero power taken away from me. And that makes me cry. And moan.

Saying that I am getting lots of writing time in. And now that life is back on track, I am working on pieces to pitch in the coming months. I am appreciating that for a brief few days if I suddenly get an idea I can just stop everything and start writing. I don’t have to scribble something on a post it and hope that evening I’ll have time to get back to it.

As as I’m getting back to thinking about getting my writing published I did think it was a good time to have a look back at my goals from January 1st 2010. The first five months of the year I’ve not really accomplished huge amounts on the list (though the dating bit seems on track!) but I have done so much more besides, that should mean I can get on with so much more in the next seven months.

Hopefully I’ll be back on my feet in no time at all so I can get on with having lots of energy, doing lots of stuff and stop having to explain the way my mind works when it comes to the weekly shop!

In the trailer Lily (Charlotte’s daughter) asks “Like in Jasmine and Aladdin?” to which Carrie replies “Yes sweetie, but with cocktails” and that is exactly what SATC2 is. A fairytale. Disney for adults. And it always has been. The criticism that it’s misplaced decadence in a time of frugality misses the point. For most of us Sex and the City has always been like window shopping, looking at all the things we can never hope to afford, recession or no recession. The first shot of Carrie’s gorgeous gold glitter Louboutin’s received an intake of breath and a sense of longing. Let’s face it, until she married Big even Carrie’s wardrobe and credit card abuse was enough to leave her bankrupt before the end of the first series. Unlike her three co-stars with believably affluent jobs and/or lives, as a newspaper columnist she wasn’t earning enough to keep herself in the manner to which she was accustomed.

SATC has never lived in reality. This sequel may not have had quite the heart wrenching scenes of the first one, but there was comedy. And, for some, echoes of reality — with amazing and sometimes “interesting” outfits. The women might now be in their forties and fifties, but having been a single girl for pretty much all of my twenties I have seen friends struggle with the different challenges in this movie; settling down to marriage, juggling children and coming to hate a job they once loved. I found the drama of the jilted bride in the first movie much further removed from real life than than Samantha trying to deal with menopause in the second.

For over two hours I was whisked away on a fabulous daydream. I giggled. I looked on in awe. And, without apology, I enjoyed it. We let children watch Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. Movies about two young impressionable girls, asleep, powerless, waiting for the kiss of their one true love, who will then whisk them away, with no consultation, to a happily ever after? I think they’re far more ripe for scrutiny than a romp in Abu Dhabi in fabulous outfits, where a rich man has paid for a mere week away, on Samantha’s terms, before they return to their “real” lives in New York.

Sex and the City has been the voice of many taboos. It’s also been shallow and decadent. This film isn’t made for a critical audience. Hate Sex and the City? Well I can say without a shadow of a doubt you shouldn’t waste your time and money seeing this film. Love Sex and the City? Sit back and enjoy the ride.

This morning I was on my fifth training run when something went ping and I started to experience a lot of pain in my left calf. I stopped running and limped home, then got ready for work wincing in pain. I hobbled to the bus stop and then the shock of the pain must have settled in, feeling nauseous and faint I decided to get off the bus at the hospital and get it checked out before I did any more damage. I learned the lesson from messing up my knee when I was 16, not doing anything about it at the time and still having problems with it a decade later.

The good news was that having explained to the doctor how it happened she said two positive things. One that I have been doing everything the right way with my running, warm up, cool down and stretches, this was just bad luck. The second was that once I’ve recovered she told me not to give up on the running. Probably the best thing I could have hoped to hear.

However the downside is the interim. The doctor thinks it’s a torn calf muscle, but I won’t know the verdict and implications until I have a full physio assessment on Friday morning. The pain seems bearable as long as I take pain relief and keep the leg elevated, although with an hour to go until my next pain relief fix it’s starting to twinge with pain again. There is the minor annoyance of learning how to use crutches and not being able to walk properly. I have the immediate disappointment of missing out on a date this evening, I seem to have a habit of injuring myself just before something I’m really looking forward to. Then the biggest worry is the lack of exercise for at least a couple of weeks, possibly longer. Getting fit the past few months has been the best thing that has happened to me. Physically and mentally I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been and I’m scared of that slipping. It keeps my stress levels low and means I can fit into the clothes I want without giving up chocolate!

After everything that has happened over the past couple of years this feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth (or the calf!) when life is finally going so well. I would have never thought I’d be exercising this much, enjoying it and getting up earlier to make sure I can fit it in. It’s brilliant. I don’t want to lose the motivation or any of the benefits.

I also don’t want this to put off anyone who’s thinking of getting into running or anything else. Injuries happen to everyone, even the pros. I won’t let it stop me. Once I’m fully fit again I will pick up with the running where I left off and I will run a marathon come hell or high water. At least this happened earlier rather than later and I will just have to learn how to listen to my body better so I know when I can push myself and when to ease off. I had a twinge this morning and I was in to minds whether to go for a run but did it anyway. I don’t take the ability to run or anything else for granted and I’d be gutted if I lost the ability to do all these things because of future injuries so I’m taking this a minor warning to take care of myself.

Two days ago I was so proud that I had woken up on my birthday and gone for run, marking a year where I would get fitter than ever before… I didn’t imagine that two days later I’d be forced to take a break. I can only hope it’s a very short one!