Before our pre-gig dinner I popped into the Gala to pick up tickets and who should be stood at the box office, non other than the man himself. John Bishop. We had a brief chat. Mainly me telling him I’d heard good things. Him suggesting I see a movie instead. Me telling him I’m from Southport. Him commenting at least there will be two people in the audience that understand him (he’s a Scouser).

The show was brilliant. My cheeks hurt before he walked on stage (it makes sense once you’ve seen the show). He is the most natural comedian. His ad-libbing was even funnier than the routine, and the routine was bloody good. I was in stitches. It seemed you didn’t just have to be from Merseyside (or the edge of Cheshire where he grew up) to find him hilarious. His funny translates. It is rare to find someone who seems to have comedy running through his veins. He puts the likes of Michael McIntyre and Ed Byrne in the shade. If you only see one stand-up comedian this year make it John Bishop.

I can’t lie to you. After seeing John Bishop I was worried. I’ve wanted to see Dave Gorman live for years. My expectations were high. Back in 2001 I became addicted to ‘Are you Dave Gorman?’ on BBC2. I’ve read ‘Are you Dave Gorman?’ and ‘Googlewhack’ many many times, mainly when I’m having a moment I feel insane and I know Dave’s words will make me feel like I’m more well adjusted than at least one other human being. He has become one of my comedy heroes. In my early days of blogging Dave Gorman inspired one of my first blogs (reading it might explain why I like Dave so much, but excuse the writing, it was in my raw unpolished days of blogging!). I’d had an amazing time at John Bishop just 48 hours earlier.  Here I was seeing one of my comedy heroes live for the first time and I was worried that he wouldn’t be as good as the bloke I’d bought tickets for on a whim after 5 minutes on TV.

I can’t believe I doubted Dave Gorman. I should not have worried. In the past nine years not once has he disappointed me. Scared me at times. Disturbed me. (Just watch Googlewhack!) But never disappointed. There is room for more than one brilliant comedian in this world. There is even enough room for two of them to be in the North East in one weekend.

Dave was brilliant. I will never doubt him again. I don’t want to ruin it so I won’t say too much. But there are things that may happen in my life where I find myself bursting into spontaneous fits of laughter as a result of Sunday night. Having worked for Royal Mail there were parts of the show that really tickled me even more than they would normally. Dave’s style is different to John Bishop’s. Even in stand up he’s a story teller and he uses anticipation so well. If you don’t get to see it live then buy, borrow, but preferably don’t steal, the DVD (which I presume will follow shortly!)

And I got to meet him after the show, a less informal affair than bumping into John. Such is Dave’s fame that it involved buying something for him to sign. And some queuing. But he was kind enough to smile in a way that looks like he was pleased to meet me – or perhaps that is a look of get this crazy fan away from me – I will let you decide!

As I start to look at what I want to do in my career next there’s a few themes emerging…

I live to learn. Learning as much as I can about a lot of things in a short space of time. I absorb information at an alarming rate. For someone who talks a lot you’d be amazed how much I listen. My first job in a mobile phone shop as Christmas support staff ended up with me being one of their best sales staff in less than a month. My product knowledge and customer service grew at a rate of knots and I could sell. I didn’t use any deception either. I listen to customers to find out what they needed and wanted, made links with my database of product knowledge, and sold them what fit. I was happy. They were happy. Thanks to other jobs I know more about cold meats, junk mail and now, reading lists, than most people need to know in a lifetime. Absorb. Connect. Solve. Save. My brain seems hot wired to stick things in my head and make links between them. I have the memory of an elephant.

I love representing and helping people. Stick me in a meeting and I’ll fight for the silent party or play devils advocate. if everyone agrees too easily I always have this dreaded feeling someone is being shafted so I will create debate, even if I am in complete agreement with the discussion so far. Decisions without challenge can be dangerous. I try and spot the people that aren’t being heard, or say the things that aren’t being said. Some of my proudest achievements are from my time as Vice President in SUBU. When I facilitated for a bunch of students who were getting screwed over by their course leader, I got a buzz from helping to put them in a position where they could win for themselves. Speaking my mind at NUS conferences was always fun. NUS conferences were dominated by people who wanted to be the next Jack Straw. I said the things that the quieter delegates were whispering about but didn’t have the confidence to say out loud. I want to make sure things are fair and no amount of pressure or bribary will make me agree to screw over someone else to keep the ‘right’ people happy. I like to be liked, but in the past I’ve ended up being strongly disliked because sticking to my principles. Making sure everyone gets their say, is more important than anything.

I enjoy finding win/win solutions. Rather than coming naturally this has developed over the years. You can’t please everyone all of the time (even superheros piss people off!) Getting to know what a makes a group of people tick is fascinating. What are their priorities and motivations? What are their differences? Why do they think what they do? People are more able to find a win/win solution if you really understand what’s happening underneath what’s being said. I used to enjoy working with the most difficult CWU reps to help them understand what the staff they represented wanted as a whole. Sometimes reflecting back to people the views of the crowd helps them understand why on this occassion they don’t get it totally their own way but can still win. Goodness knows I need it reflecting back to me sometimes.

I miss daily discussion and debate. Working in a university library you find a majority of people don’t tend to have strong or emotionally driven opinions of your department (unless there’s a deadline or assessment looming). In most cases those who do have a negative opinion are told the reason for something, or a solution they didn’t realise existed, a lightbulb goes on and they go away happier. Or they ignore you and keep saying the same thing. The other strong emotions tend to be positive ones like “I LOVE the Library”. Who is going to argue with that? In other areas of my life I may have strong opinions, but they are rarely unmovable. Debating introduces new information to me, and helps my opinions evolve into ones that represent the world I’d like to live in. I am assertive and I need assertive people around me to challenge me and so I don’t automatically get my own way. I’m not always right and discussion helps me understand where I’ve missed something or made an incorrect assumption. And more than anything, debating is fun!

Variety is the spice of my life. I am much happier now I work in different offices on different days of the week. I’m more effective and productive. Being in the same environment 9-5 every single day is a huge struggle for me. I admire people who like routine and consistency in their day to day lives. I’m not one of them. Whatever I do next I need to make sure I have the opportunity to work in different places. I’d like to spend lots of time out of the office in different environments meeting with different people. I thrive on change and find it stressful when I have to stay in the same situation for too long. However I do want to build a career so I need enough variety within a job to keep my focus and drive.

Negotiating and influencing are fun. I’ve been negotiating and influencing from the moment I could talk. I enjoy networking and figuring out who I need to build a relationship with to get a certain result. I’m in my element when I have a purpose to communicate and work with others to reach a goal. It’s not about making people want what I want. It’s often about helping people to see that their solution and my solution may be different, but there has to be a way to common ground and a positive outcome.

Seeing the big picture. Life is like a big jigsaw puzzle. Bits fits together and others don’t. But most of the time something that is done will have an impact on many other things in the short or long term. Sometimes the consequences are unseen and can cause huge problems down the line. Even something that looks like a great solution in the immediate future could stop long term goals being met. On the flip side amazing things can happen when you bring people and projects together where there is no obvious connection. I tend to be a big picture person. There is method in my madness, it’s just that it’s not immediately obvious to everyone.

As I’ve started to compile this list something has been bubbling under the surface. It does not include an application for the next series of ‘The Apprentice‘.

Politics. One of my first assertions when I started looking at careers properly in my early teens was “I want to be a politician so I can help people”. As I started to understand more about politics and politicians I decided I must have been living in fairy-tale-land. Politics seemed to be about power and votes, not honesty and advocacy. I decided that I wasn’t cut out for that world.

Later I got involved in student politics and had considered taking it further and running for an NUS position, but again the power hungry selfish people put me off. For me I’ve always believed that politics should be about people. For most, winning and seen to saying the ‘right thing’ seems more important than transparency and trust. I felt like people weren’t having the difficult discussions and it was all spin. I didn’t want to be the odd one out.

Perhaps it’s Obama that’s sparked this change. I know he’s certainly helped me to believe that people get into politics for the right reasons. It has inspired some faith that I could get into politics, perhaps even be a politician one day, and really represent and help people. I’ve spent most of my time being the odd one out. Whether it’s being ‘the assertive one’, or ‘the happy one’, ‘the liberal one’ or in the case of student elections ‘the little green one’. I’ve never been the shy, retiring, unnoticed one. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to dip my toe in the waters of local politics, get involved and see what’s going on.

I’ve also started following the blog Deeplyflawedbuttrying (penned by @slummymummy1) who is fantastic at highlighting political issues and creating debate. I may not always agree (though mostly I find I do) it has made me realise how much I do care about issues that affect all areas of society, not just the ones that directly affect me.

I’m not sure where you start on getting involved with local politics, I guess choosing a party comes first. I find this tough. I don’t like labeling myself and putting myself into boxes. I’ve never been about party politics. NUS factions were enough to put anyone with a balanced view of life off party politics. In the past I’ve only picked a side for voting purposes. My viewpoint has always been “What’s in the best interests of the country?” not “Which party is saying it it?” I’m interested in representing local people and being an advocate for them, not just towing the party line. But there are distinct advantages to affiliating to get support, build a network and work with others on bigger changes. When I say “a side” those of you who have read my blog are probably aware this means Lib Dem or Labour. I hope no one was under the impression I was a Tory. I’ve listened to the Conservative policies and once I start scratching beneath the surface of ‘New Tory’ and I’m finding some nasty frights that are much worse than anything Blair or Brown have ever done.

So there are two options. Either I go with the party I think is most likely to be elected so I get more experience of being involved with how it all works. Or I go with the party who has the local representative who I really believe would be best. I’m thinking the latter. Getting involved at this stage means I could campaign for the person who I believe would do the best for the local area and help them become our MP.

I grew up in a Lib Dem constituency, went to university in a Conservative constituency (but decided to be registered at my parents) and have since lived in three Labour constituencies. My leanings are towards the Liberal Democrats. In the past being open to all parties they have still secured a majority of my votes. For a while now I have been saying that I think it’s about time they had the opportunity to do what they can for the UK. Labour needs some time out. The Tory’s need to stay out. The Lib Dems need a chance to demonstrate what they can do as leaders. I can’t see them getting us into a worse mess.

It does seem that perhaps I have been thinking this through quite seriously. I guess I might as well give it a go. The worst that can happen is I find that I’m totally mistaken and politics isn’t my thing. On the other hand I could meet some interesting people and help make the best of the community I live in. Even if I end up leaving Durham in the next year I still live here at the moment and it’s about time I got involved.

And if you’ve made it this far and can think of other career options that might suit me perfectly then leave a message below…

I am getting in the habit of exercising. Something I’ve tried to do before, and was finally succeeding in before the flu to end all influenza. This time once I was fully fit it took merely a week to get me back in a workout schedule. In the past my pattern with exercise has tended to be four weeks on, four months off… but not anymore!

Those who know me know that when I really don’t want to do something and there’s a good enough excuse then I’ll avoid it. I surprised myself a couple of weeks ago when I had a full medley of excuses to pick from, yet I made the 20 minutes walk to the gym in ice and snow to do an 8pm class. And I wanted to go. I’m amazed that I can get in from work, chill out for an hour or two before going to a class and not have talked myself out of it. And when I wake up on Thursday mornings often my first thought is “Ooh Body Balance tonight, I can’t wait!” Exercise being the highlight of my day? Who’d have thought? I’m sure there’s a few people that think I’m over exaggerating. I assure you I’m not.

It’s taken me years to get here though.

There are two reasons. The first is mental health. I know the best thing I can do to keep mentally healthy is regular exercise and meditation. I no longer take for granted that feeling better means I’m going to stay that way forever. I have to put the effort in. After last year I’m taking this more seriously than I have before and my brain is starting to have a natural reaction that if I feel rubbish exercise and/or meditation will help.

The second is health. And weight loss. I hate diets. Tell me I have to count calories or only eat certain types of food and all I can think about is that food. The prospect of doing that for an extended period of time makes me feel crap. Life’s too short to spend every day thinking about food you want but can’t have. That’s not to say I haven’t changed my eating habits. I’m getting the comfort eating under control, and trying to take the emotion out of food. But even without emotion baked cheesecake tastes bloody good!

The other thing about diets is that it’s one sure fire way to lose your boobs. I’ve seen it happen. I love the fact I have curves. Despite them being slightly bigger than I’d like, I’d rather they were how they are now than be slim and have none at all. Whereas exercise I can lose weight, tone up AND keep my curves. In fact the weight I’ve lost so far has emphasised them and I’m hoping that will continue.

So if I’m not going to only eat green foods on Wednesday, or starve myself through the week so I have enough points for wine and cake at the weekend, then I better flipping well get my exercise on. It would be a lie to say I haven’t cut down on what I’m eating, but on the rare occasion like today that I’ve had a muffin and some chocolate, I refuse to feel guilty about it. And I’m not going to worry that a few too many calories are going to land me back in my ‘big’ jeans.

I might never be a skinny woman, but if I can be a healthy and happy one then that will do me!

The weekend has reinforced my thoughts about considering moving back to London eventually. Seeing so many friends has made me realise just how much I miss them. I also survived a weekend of more socialising than I’ve done in a long time without feeling shattered this morning. Though a weekend away from the gym has left me craving exercise and I’m going to enjoy Zumba tonight. 

I’m still not ready to pack my bags immediately. It has been fantastic though to see that some of my friends miss me as much as I miss them. Speaking to them they’d be glad to see me back next week! However there are still things I want to achieve in my current job and for once I don’t want to rush the job hunt. I’ve never had the luxury of time to find a job before. There’s always been time and money pressures to find a job as quickly as possible. Considering that I’ve not done too badly, even with the ups and downs. But this time I can browse. I can really explore the options and use what I’ve learned in previous jobs to try and find something even better. 

Though it may frustrate people, I’m proud of my ability to adapt to the changes in my life. Moving to Durham was absolutely the best thing at the time, but a lot has changed in the past year and my initial feeling that it was somewhere I wanted to settle have changed too. I don’t have to pretend that I’m still as happy as I was initially, I can admit that things have changed. A lot might change in the next year too. Though London is definitely an option now, it’s not a certainty.

For now though I have things I want to achieve where I am. Personally and professionally. Things have been going well for the past few weeks and I’m looking forward to building on what has happened so far.

On Tuesday evening and Wednesday I was in London for the first time in six months. My past few trips down there I’ve found it unpleasant – the volume of people, the pollution and the frantic nature of everything. Back in August I referred to myself as an ‘outsider’ in a blog about London. I didn’t feel any connection to the place apart from to visit friends. But when I arrived on Tuesday it was different. The first thought that sprung to mind as I exited Kings Cross Station was “I feel like I’m home”. It would be an understatement to say that thought took me by surprise.

I’m not about to say I regret moving to Durham. By the time I left London I was homesick for the North. There is no way if I’d stayed in London I would have made the recovery I’m making now. For a start the NHS support wouldn’t have stretched past the medication they started me on. I wouldn’t have had access to counselling or CBT in the way I have up here. I needed a break from the city and the pressure. And I still absolutely love waking up to see an amazing sunrise over the fields out of my bedroom window. I’m also getting to see my nieces grow up. I got to spend a lot of time with my eldest niece until she was 4 and I went off to uni. I missed having the same opportunity with my two youngest nieces. I love being a big part of their lives for the time being. As for the job, the significant reduction in responsibility and stress has meant I could pursue different things outside of work. Most of all moving to Durham has given me the luxury of time to rest, relax and recover.

The book I’m reading at the moment had this paragraph in it and it summed up what I felt when I first came to Durham.

“I wanted to be left alone. Wanted the world to go away. oh, I wasn’t naive enough to suppose this Hansel and Gretel cottage existence would do forever; friends, a job, a lifestyle of sorts, maybe even a man might one day enter the equation, but at this moment my equation was small. I wanted to shrink my world so that I, and I alone was in control and only when I felt comfortable would I consider expanding. But only on my terms. Never again would I be at someone else’s beck and call, never again would I agree to a takeover.”
Rosie Meadows Regrets… – Catherine Alliott

And now I do feel comfortable and I’m itching to expand. After nearly 18 months of feeling that I have been apologising for my existence, I’m finding confidence in ways I never had it before. On the tube on Wednesday I flirted with my eyes. Almost accidentally I made eye contact with a man, and in a split second I decided to hold it. I smiled and looked away. And then looked back and he was still looking made eye contact again and he smiled. I don’t believe I have ever done anything like that before unless I’ve had a couple of bottles of wine down me. I felt like I should scold myself for being such a hussy, but I was smiling inside and marveling in the giddy feeling it gave me!

Being in London this week was an antidote to the things I’m starting to find difficult about living up here. My confidence is digging it’s heels back into it’s rightful place and that changes the way I interact with the world around me. Foremost with my friends. I have learned that having close friends nearby is incredibly important to me. Not that I haven’t made some lovely friends in Durham. I miss being around people that I can be totally myself with, the ones who are like extended family.

Friends aren’t the only things. I miss the ease of public transport, of getting to people and places. People are more sociable and relaxed because there aren’t cars, parking and last buses to worry about. I miss the culture and all the different things to do. I miss knowing the place, how to get around it and finding the little hidden gems of the city.

Not to mention the fact that Durham is small enough for a bit of eye flirting to become big gossip in no time.

Don’t worry I’m not about to pack my job in and jump on the next train down to the capital. I haven’t forgotten about all the negative impacts London had on me, but I think the “Durham effect” has negated a lot of that. I have developed the ability to be more laid back than I’ve ever been before. When I visit London in the next few months I’ll be able to work out if I can actually have a more chilled approach to the city.

But my announcement at the end of 2008 that I had ‘done’ London may have come prematurely. And with my mojo well and truly on the way back there may be too many opportunities in the big city for me not to give it another go. Come 2011 who knows what will happen!

It is so alien to me that the pink and red had just become a blur in my peripheral vision. But a combination of my reduction in retail activities (I am unofficially a recovering shopaholic), and the increase in marketing of this commercial holiday, meant I was unprepared when I visited Sainsbury’s yesterday. It could not be avoided. If I had managed to ignore the HUGE display of roses to my left, the ones ahead of me were not going to let me pass without acknowledgment. And by avoiding their eye line I was faced with a barrage of cards. As I navigated my way past what can only be described as Valentine’s warfare and into the fruit and veg section I was met with strawberries in heart shaped boxes. And as I made my way through the store there were Valentines offers left, right and centre. Even if all that could be avoided the scrummage in the chocolate aisle was enough to tell me that flowers, chocolates and booze are still the unoriginal gifts of choice on this day that is celebrated just because it exists.

Should I eventually rebound from my perpetual singleness and find a wonderful man to take me on then I’m not sure it would be enough to get me to participate in this Valentines stuff once again. Long ago I got over the hope I might get a card or two. I no longer expect anything from the postman. If I did have someone special to share things with I’d much rather be surprised on any other day with something more original and meaningful to the both of us. Maybe I’ll be proved wrong in future, but perhaps not.

I’d like to think if I had someone to share today with I’d be making the most of Chinese New Year. That would be much more fun. Having someone at my disposal to drag off to cultural events and celebrations. To me that is romance!

It seemed quite a few of you enjoyed my BT blog and as I was rather angry (understatement) about the whole situation, I am pleased to say we got there in the end and it has been resolved. However I dare say this is the power of social networking. For those of you that aren’t aware, BT has a Twitter account @BTcare and it was my Twitter rants that got their attention. It was the BT Care team that sorted everything out as a result of my letter of complaint. The letter of complaint that I was sending because BT customer service were unable to answer my questions or provide any solutions. Without Twitter I wonder how much longer I would have been waiting for a response and a resolution. I’m happy with the outcome, and the service we agreed I will receive. However given a wider choice in future I doubt I’ll stick with BT in the long run.

I would have blogged about this sooner but as that issue was resolved my BT landline died. I spent last weekend without the internet, making me realise to my shame that I rely on the internet far too much. Of course my iPhone kept me connected to the world wide web but I still missed the ease of getting information the moment I want it in the way I want it. I’m a communications junkie. I may need to start going to some kind of Internet Users Anonymous shortly.

Believe it or not there has been more to life than BT these past few weeks…

Those of you who have been reading my blog since last year know about the struggle I’ve had with depression, bullying and my general health. It seems six weeks into the year 2010 is working out well. I’ve started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which has already led to one lightbulb moment of “Why did I never see that connection before?” It’s going to be an interesting and not always easy journey, but hopefully it will help me to prevent any future bouts of depression. It’s also helping me to understand why the bullying affected me so badly so quickly. I’m starting to really feel my confidence in myself returning for the first time in over a year.

Health wise I still seem to be catching everything going. The weekend after students came back I had a horrible cold, and yesterday I ended up leaving work early as the result of some kind of stomach bug. I blame students coming back from all corners of the UK and around the world with their nasty germs and depositing them in the library. My friend Phil thinks that perhaps Durham is just too clean, and like toddlers need to be exposed to germs to help their immune system, I need to spend more time visiting my friends in London. It is true though, I never got this ill in London. I’ve always been prone to catching bugs and viruses, but never to the extent or severity I have since living in Durham.

Think Geek seem to have the same germs as me!

However apart from the bugs, viruses and colds it seems my body’s reluctance to lose weight is over and it’s starting to drop off. I hope this continues and I can get back to a weight I’m happy with over the next few months. I’ll just keep up my side of the bargain with exercise and avoiding comfort eating and hopefully my body will respond in the way it has been the past few weeks.

If you happened to miss it on Facebook or Twitter (some would say that was impossible), I’m now a red head. I have never had so many comments or ‘likes’ on anything on Facebook so I think it suits me. I’m very flattered by all the positive comments. I’ve been thinking of going red for a long time. Should have done it a while ago!

Where it felt like 2009 was an uphill struggle it seems 2010 has got off to a much better start. That means that some other things, like writing, aren’t so prominent right now. Plans for my writing are progressing very slowly, and other plans for this year are barely out of the starting blocks. But investing time in myself in the short term will definitely pay off in other aspects of my life later on. I do find in CBT I use the word ‘balance’ a lot. Maybe I’ll eventually learn how to apply it to my life!

—————————————-

BT,

You screwed up again. After our hours on the phone, back in 2008, I thought I’d finished with you. It was messy and tiring. You couldn’t accept that you had faults and seemed to forget conversations we’d had in the past, even if they were only mere hours before. I was hoping our relationship was over. Unfortunately I moved to an area where I had limited options. I couldn’t be alone so I felt I had to come back to you. Now I wonder if perhaps I could have coped, but life with you has to be better than nothing.

I’m sure all my friends think I’m a fool to have gone back. They’ve all heard about how you treated me. When you couldn’t satisfy my basic needs, they put up with my anger and my tears. But they don’t understand. Most of them are off cavorting with Sky or Virgin. I hear those who have amazing relationships with O2, the best they’ve ever had. But O2 won’t come here. They say I live too far out. They don’t want a long distance relationship.

And now you’re draining me again and I don’t know how to get out. I didn’t think I could hate you any more, but I do. You think you can just read my mind and give me things I didn’t ask for. When we spend time together you expect me to pay the whole bill even though you force me to have things I don’t want. There should be some give and take. But it seems I give time and money and you refuse to give me what you have promised.

I find it such I turn off that you’re stupid too. Today you wanted me to believe that £12.84 was £82.15. You told me something on the phone, when I checked what you’d written down it was wrong. You might have had some chance of fooling me if you hadn’t mixed up 4 and 5 before you lied. I want to be with someone who has the intelligence who can count to 10. Is that too much to ask?

I wish I could leave you. I really wish I could. But then I remember last time. The way you kept writing to me. I’m not sure if you lied on purpose, or if you really believed what you said. But it wasn’t true. You were mistaken. I was not in your debt.  You made the mistakes and I paid for them. I don’t know how to get away from you without the months of angst and pain and I can’t go through it all again.

One day I will move far away. I will find somewhere that has someone who can provide for me. I will find someone who will listen when I call and who will give me everything I want and need. I know they exist. I’ve been with them before and they were so much better than you.

I have no doubt we will speak again soon and you will claim I didn’t tell you how I feel. You will twist my words and make me feel a fool yet again.

Until then,

Helen

Returning from a work trip to Warwick University (whose campus is deceptively nearer Coventry than it’s namesake) we had seats booked on a specific train. I’m not a fan of advanced tickets, as soon as I purchase one I know the gods are plotting a well timed disruption to ensure I miss the one and only service it is valid on. Lo and behold despite booking at taxi 4 hours in advance it failed to show up and the taxi rank wasn’t where we thought it would be. We arrived at the station in time to see our train pulling away from the platform. Our second train was delayed at Birmingham New Street just long enough for us to reach the platform and see that pull away too.

By this point two thoughts were running through my mind. Firstly ‘well I guess we’re standing for the next 3 hours’. As we know these days peak trains are packed beyond capacity in standard class, while the first class carridges have 4 seats per person. Obviously train companies decided while society tries to pretend the social classes may not still exist, upper class passengers should really not be expected to mix with the working and middle class rif raff. Though soon entire trains will only be occupied by the richest people or those working for the richest companies as the rest of us are priced out of the rail network and onto airplanes.

My second thought was ‘we’re going to have pay an arm and a leg for new tickets’. Somewhat academic as it was a business trip and all costs would be reimbursed. And the boss was paying on the credit card. So the actual impact on me was nil. But all the same.

So you can imagine my surprise as we bundled onto the train and claimed two unbooked seats together. Despite the train being busy. However the best was yet to come. As the ticket inspector, or train managers as they’re called these days, moved closer towards us I clocked him as a potential jobsworth. I should not judge. I could not have been more wrong.

The train manager took our tickets and my boss briefly explained about the taxi. I elaborated to make it clear it was not of our own idiocy we were on the wrong train. I have a long and expansive history with trains and I do not wish to be mistaken for one of those fools who does not understand the concept of advance tickets. I am a seasoned train traveller and as such I deserve respect for being in an unfortunate situation completely out of my control.

My honest face and tone of voice won him over (or possibly just wanting to shut me up) and he said he’d see what he could wangle to make it as cheap as possible for us to remain on the train (I was not volunteering to hike up the M1!) I then added that although the original ticket was not a Young Persons, I did have my railcard. Could that lessen the penalty further? He said in hushed tones that he shouldn’t, but he could, as long as I didn’t mention it if I was in this situation again. I gave him a knowing nod. He charged me (or rather my boss) a mere £18.

I know some of you are thinking ‘Hang on a just one minute! You’re fast heading for 27 and you’re railcard should have expired long ago!’ I assure you there’s no illegal jiggery pokery going on. I was advised I could renew my railcard upto and including the day before my 26th birthday, meaning that I have it until two days before I’m 27. Those of you that haven’t yet tipped the early-to-late-20s boundary I suggest you follow my lead. May it save you hundreds of extra pennies and pounds.

Maybe this experience actually shows that the rail companies have a long way to go if a benevolent guard and a couple of free seats can make my day. But I tell you what it made three hours of potential hell into something just about bearable. And it made me smile!

But for the time being I am sans crush. Well except for in the land of celebrity men where, after watching Glee, Matthew Morrison has just taken up residence as man of the moment.

It is a rare ocassion these days that I end up in the spectrum between merry and hideously drunk. But on those occassions there is one thing to be done. And that is to text, call or otherwise get in touch with someone who I am in whichever way romantically entangled with (or not). On Monday night was one such rare occasion where I had a little too much wine for a school night. Enough to make me want to text someone. And that was when it hit me. I had no one to text. I have some how reached a point where I’ve laid all my past relationships and complications to rest.

This weekend I have a date but I feel incredibly neutral about it. If he does turn out to be a wonderful, gorgeous man who one day becomes something more than a random date then I do apologise in hindsight for this blog entry. But I am simply not excited. And it is not his fault at all. We’ve been in touch since before the ‘dating-that-seemed-very-promising-but-dumped-me-out-of-the-blue guy’ was on the scene (he wasn’t around long enough to get a convenient nickname). Our planned dates have fallen fowl of everything from illness to the weather over the past few months. The fact we’ve kept in touch throughout all of that means I do want to meet him and give it a go. But if 2009 was characterised by a hoping to find a wonderful relationship (alongside a fear that I might not), 2010 is turning into the year that I seemingly just don’t care either way.

There have been some warning signs that I’m leaving the relationship drama behind. When ‘dating-that-seemed-very-promising-but-dumped-me-out-of-the-blue guy’ told me it was over on the phone (well I phoned him when I got the text saying “We need to talk”) I was out for dinner with a friend who I had been telling just moments before that this had been the most promising thing I’d been involved in for a long time. A very long time. In the space of one evening I got upset, angry and very very drunk. I cried about my never-ending singleness. I sent a drunken rambling email to my best girl friends as none of them live near enough for sympathy drinks. I got angry and sent the ‘you’re a git’ text before deleting all his contact details from my phone. By the next morning I was done. Six hours of break up drama and that was pretty much it.

Since the dawn of puberty when I realised I fancied people, I fancied a lot of them. My crushes were legendary. Some were long, some were reoccuring, some just for a week. But I always had a crush on someone. Although I spent most of my time from sixteen to twenty in relationships, the times in between I always managed to fit in an infatuation. While I was in sixth form my ability to have crushes on multiple people at once didn’t get my first proper relationship off to the best start (though once I learned my lesson it did last just over two years!)

Flirting was responsible for the most of the early problems with my first relationship. And flirting is in no way directly connected to who I like in that way. In fact the more I like someone the worse my flirting is. The only time a potential other half gets the benefit of my flirting is once I feel quite secure that there is a mutual affection. When I’m just friends with someone I am far better at the flirting business, though in the past it’s led to some unintentional situations. Right now given the right situation my flirting is probably on top form. My belief in or need for a relationship is however at an all time low.

Whenever I’m suffering from unrequited love or relationship breakdown I think life would be some much easier without that heart ache. There have been times in my past where I’ve been so heart broken I’ve struggled to work, sleep and function like a normal human being. I can report that, yes, in many ways life is easier now. I get up, go to work and get on with my life. I have time to do so much more without obsessing about another human being. But it’s also not as much fun. There’s no drama. No gossip. No one to daydream about, dream about at night or wake up thinking about first thing in the morning. I feel completely calm and fine about being single. But somewhat disappointed too.

I hope that this is just a blip on my romantic radar. That in a few days, weeks or month some suitable opportunity will present itself and kick start the romance and relationship part of my brain. If past performance is anything to go by I can’t last long in this situation. I’m still far too young to settle for being a spinster!