The day job is at it’s busy peak, it’s the time of year that I have multiple deadlines looming and my to-do list for the next three months is almost as long as the one for the last nine. Despite my vow not to take work home I still spent a Friday night finishing something off, accompanied by a glass of wine of course. At least I can’t be accused of slacking in light of starting my own business.

Day-to-day I’m developing a deep, but apparently not very meaningful, relationship with both BT & Vodafone, I’ve spent more time speaking to them than to my friends and family in the past couple of weeks. BT is a long haul stress, which is on the verge of an Ofcom complaint. The worst bit is that a couple of hundred pounds is nothing to them, but is worth making my life difficult for it seems.

My calf muscle injury is slowly recovering, but there are times it wipes me out. And I wish I could have got up and gone Spinning this morning.  At least I’m grateful that I still have the motivation, even if I don’t have the ability right now.

In between all of this I’m setting up the business. It’s exciting and most of the time quite fun. It’s also scary as hell and absolutely exhausting. Every day is a challenge just to persuade myself to get over my fears and just get on with it. I do know that whatever successes and failures come out of this it’s absolutely worth it, and I can do it.

And then I’m trying not to neglect my family and friends. I’m sure plenty of them could moan that I haven’t been in touch enough recently.

Plus I’m committed to making time to relax and chill out. I’ve worked to hard over the past couple of years to learn that if you are exhausted and run down you’re no good to anyone, taking time out as you go along is the only way to survive. I absolutely can’t burn myself out.

As lists goes that’s probably quite enough to contend with for the next couple of months. But some things you just can’t plan for. And that has come in the shape of a lovely, wonderful and gorgeous guy. Of course the fact that dating absolutely terrifies me makes it the most challenging thing out of all of the above. Stress, tiredness and moments of despair I can survive, I’ve got through much worse. I could teach BT a thing or two about dealing with stuff and moving on. Life is messy and annoying, but also fun and rewarding. But dating and relationships, well that’s just one big horror movie.

Meeting Mr Fireman (oh yes…) has been a bit of shock to the system. I have been quite self-delusional about the whole relationship thing for a long time. The lady hath protested too much in the past. My crimes are shocking. I now realise I was looking for the non-existent perfect guy, I think I subconsciously have been dating people who I knew it wouldn’t work out with and I am one big control freak who quite likes being single and having complete control over my life and my emotions. When it comes to dating I seem to have two personalities, Ice Queen or Cling-on. And they interchange at no notice, and probably confuse the hell out of any man who comes within a few hundred yards. Mr Fireman is a pretty awesome guy and has proven his worth, and now I need to step up to the mark and show him that I can be awesome too, because he really deserves that. Except I’m in No Mans Land… I don’t quite know what I’m meant to do next.

The law that says you can’t have everything probably decrees right now that I either get the business or the boy. That is a stupid rule. I’m not claiming it’s going to be easy, somehow I have to juggle a full-time job, putting just as many hours into the business and make time for a guy who works all sorts of shifts. But there is nothing I love more than to prove nothing is impossible. I refuse to choose between them. There is no such thing as having ‘everything’, and life has a habit of ignoring good timing. Good things don’t just happen you have to work for them. Patience, focus and dealing with what life throws at you as it happens is the only way to get what you want. And accepting that happy endings don’t exist… because who on earth would want something that makes you happy to end?

Speaking of exercise, my dreams of hitting the pool and getting back on the cross trainer are quite a bit behind schedule after a relapse with the leg. In fact the whole marathon plan looks like it could end up being delayed 12 months after I managed to take a good few steps back with recovery. I only got off crutches last Thursday, and at the very earliest it will be late August or early September before I can think about running again. Even then the first month I’ll have to stick to the treadmill, and the chances to get a 10k run in before the weather starts turning cold and icy are looking slim. I’ve decided not to enter for a charity place, if I get my balloted place I’ll have a much better idea of how much time I have to train and whether it’s possible, and I can still raise money for Mind. If I don’t get the balloted place I’ll aim for the 2011 Great North Run and 2012 London Marathon. Much as people try to persuade me, I refuse to give up, I just might not get there quite as quickly as expected!

The main reason for my lack of writing is that most of my spare time is spent on the business. Setting it up while working full-time is a challenge and without exercise to give me regular energy boosts it’s definitely testing me. It is however giving me the opportunity to prove that I have learned from past mistakes and somehow finding a way to have some semblance of work/life balance. It’s finally sunk in that if I get tired I need to rest, otherwise I’ll burn out. Two hours less work on one evening is better than a week without work because I’m exhausted. And I can give myself credit for the progress I’m making, even though I set myself impossible deadlines, deep down I’m realistic about what I can do. I have a first draft of my business plan, I’m getting the administration stuff set up, I’m making sure I’m doing all the right things by the day job and I’m starting to put together a marketing and sales plan. I’ve even given it a name.

Naming the company was a rather interesting process. With nearly 20,000 private training providers in the UK it’s no surprise that the obvious through to the fairly obscure with a tenuous connection to training are taken. I’ve never had much issue with naming in the past, but this is different. If my business is successful then I could be working with this name for many years to come. With the added complication that I was quite far along with the branding process it made finding something unique that fit seem almost impossible. My sister compared it to naming a baby (something she’s done twice) and reliably informed me that the baby does grow into the name even when you’re not quite sure. Except with my baby business, I already have a very good idea of the personality it’s going to have when it grows up. It’s been a couple of weeks now and it is definitely growing on me, and as of today it’s a limited company. Say hello to Mariposa Development Ltd…

Now I’m looking forward to getting out there and starting to share my plans with potential clients, and building on what I have so far. It’s a few weeks off, but there’s plenty of work to do before then. Somehow over the years I’ve learned to take a step back and prepare before rushing in like a bull in a china shop. Things are moving quickly, but they’re not running away with themselves.

Day by day I’m gradually quietening the voice in my head that tells me I’m silly for thinking I can run my own business, though I think it’s a while before I stop looking in the mirror going “What am I doing?!” I’ve had some really positive and encouraging conversations, it surprises me how many people say “I would love to run my own business, but…” I’m not going to lie, taking the plunge is scary, it scares me every single day, but I just have to face the fear and focus on what I want to do and why I want to do it. Coming to work reminds me why I want to be my own boss (even though my current boss is lovely!!!) now I have a clear idea of what I’m doing I know it’s an opportunity to do the things I love doing every day, I’d kick myself if I didn’t try and do everything I can to make this work. Having your own company means working incredibly hard, but the freedom to do something I’m passionate about and have control over my own life will make it worth it. If it’s a success I’ll lose the security and perks that a day job has, but I will gain the freedom and flexibility of planning my own time. Whatever happens this could be the most exciting adventure of my life so far!

The first I’ll start with is, as promised, to explain my Facebook status earlier this week. For those of you who missed it, I posted:

Describe me positively in three words (it’s for a very good cause I promise… If I get at least 20 responses I’ll tell all on my blog!!!)

In total, between comments and texts I got 23 responses that ended up looking something like this…

I wasn’t just fishing for compliments (honestly!), there was actually a real reason for it. Tuesday was my final Cognitive Behavioural Therapy session. This exercise helped me see that perhaps my self-perception isn’t quite spot on. I spend a bit too much time and energy beating myself up about not being what I expect. I anticipated the words such as positive, bubbly, optimistic, creative, but some of the others surprised me. Some people responded with words that describe how I’d like to come across, attributes I constantly worry gets hidden below the more fluffy qualities. Determined, thoughtful, dedicated, organised, supportive, focused, reliable, intelligent – all words that reflect that although I like to have fun my friends see that I can be serious and I have substance. This activity was a springboard from looking at depression to generally improving my self-esteem, something I will continue to work on now my CBT has finished.

CBT might not work for everyone, but for me it has been life changing. I’m a great believe you get as much out as you put in. I started of skeptical and unsure if it was right for me, but despite that I made an effort to engage. In the early weeks I felt like I was wasting valuable NHS time and resources, but I’m so glad I stuck it out. I understand my depression more than ever before and, as long as I don’t get complacent, I’m fairly confident I can avoid a future major bout of depression. Of course I can’t know for certain, things come out of the blue and there are so many things that could trigger an episode, but I will make sure I have my strategies for coping at hand.

It’s also had a rather marvellous side effect that should explain the mystery of my other behaviour. Going through the process has given me the confidence and self-belief to take the plunge and start to set up my own business. It’s very very early days, but the idea is something that seems to have evolved and been influenced by so much that’s happened in the few years since I’ve graduated. I’m very excited and have a couple of brilliant friends on board for advice and support, I’m currently doing a bit of market research just to check out that this really is the brilliant opportunity it seems. I’m also lucky enough to have a fantastic boss who’s really encouraging and be in a position where I can continue to work full-time until I am almost certain I have a profitable business. If all goes to plan I’ll be able to let you know a little bit more in a few weeks and could be launching within the next three months!

As for the leg injury. I’m making a gradual recovery. Walking seems to be okay and the physio exercises are helping. I’m going to start building up my exercise next week with swimming, and I hope that in about four or five weeks I might be able to continue training for the marathon. I am going to make sure I am 100% before doing that though, don’t want any more injuries.

It’s exciting to think that in just nine months I could be running both a marathon and my own business! Even if it doesn’t quite work out as planned I have a feeling that the next few months are going to be exciting and educational, there will be lots of hard work too. I have to make the most of the buzz I’m on because I know there will be days that are tough and days that I doubt myself. At the moment I could happily work on my business from the moment I wake up until the moment I get to sleep (and dream about it too!) Whatever happens this could just be the most awesome year of my life!